Helpful Advice For Tourists...

I live in a “resort community”, which means that people who aren’t from here invade my neighborhood all summer long to march their lily white Ohiojerseypennsyltuckybaltimoricquebeccian asses down to MY beach with their massive tents, umbrellas, and coolers, yelling loudly to everyone in earshot that the kids need to wear their SWIMMIES!  You folks from the northern cities just don’t get our quiet way of life down here, so I have appointed myself to be your personal beach etiquette guide. No, no, don’t thank me… it’s my pleasure.  

 When the entire beach is not crowded don’t drop your stuff three feet away from the only other folks on the beach.  It just isn’t done.  Move the hell down until I can no longer see your husband’s back hair.  There ya go….keeep moving…there!  Another important rule:  Sunscreen is essential for you white folks.  I don’t care how easily you think you tan.  No one wants to look at your lobster red face at dinner tonight.  If you are from Pennsylvania I recommend an SPFof 70 or higher and reapply every hour, even at night.  Wear a hat….and maybe a lovely caftan.  Next rule:  If you must wear a lovely caftan stay at your rental house or hotel pool ‘cause I just don’t wanna see it on the beach. Next year go to the mountains where there’s some shade. Remember, your husband will burn because he never listens to you, so when he starts to whine throw some white vinegar on him, spray him down with antiseptic and aloe and thank god that sex will be way too painful for Mr. Little Blue Pill for several days, so buy yourself a mohito on me and enjoy your three nights off. I’m sure you’ve earned them.

If you must bring food and beverages to my beach pick up every bit of trash…and that includes your drunk-ass brother in law, Vinny.  Don’t let me step outside the next morning for my daily walk on the beach and find him laid out in the sand just because you didn’t think your wife would notice he was missing. Vinny wore his skeevy net tank top all day yesterday and now he has tan lines to prove it.  That’s always a good look.  Especially when the hair pokes through the holes in the netting.  Hey sexy, I need to drag in my catch of the day… May I borrow your shirt?  Permanent tank top on a beer gut….nice.  Carry your hung over beer bellied butt home now, Vinnie!  Always remember to clean up your drunks.