I saw a dragon fly in my yard who looked just like Oprah Winfrey. In fact, that bug looked so much like Oprah Winfrey that I googled her to see if she had died...and come back as a dragonfly to deliver a special personal message to me. Oh sure, you all think that Gayle or Stedman would be the people she visited in her next life as a dragonfly, but maybe Oprah knows how much I admire her and she just flew in to say, "Hi Jane, you are one amazing person, girlfriend!" I never use the phrase "girlfriend" to another woman as I find that little moniker annoying and overused...especially by middle aged white women who want to relate to black women..."Hey black sister, I am hip and cool....girlfriend...oh no you di'n't!" Unfortunately these black women are way too tolerant and just smile politely and refrain from telling said middle aged white woman to accept the fact that she is white and just talk to black women the same way they talk to every other woman on the planet...in America...
My daughter walked by the garden and said, "Mom, you have to see this dragonfly!" I walked over and looked at the bug...she had blue-green wings and was the prettiest dragonfly I had ever seen...and then that bug looked me straight in the eyes and nodded her head as if to say, "How are you doin'?" I was shocked! This dragon fly had big beautiful Oprah Winfrey lips that were smiling at us. I know you think I have lost what's left of my mind but I could not stop staring at this bug! She stared right back at me and once again looked at me and nodded her head in greeting and I swear on my sliced lime stash in the pool house 'fridge that she smiled at me with those big beautiful lips! I whispered, "Oprah?" and the dragonfly winked...okay, now I'm lying but it felt like she winked and before Ty could get her camera Oprah flew away and we haven't seen her since. My yard is full of dragonflies doing what dragonflies do...flutter, land and eat mosquitos. We always look for Oprah Winfrey Dragonfly, but we haven't seen her again. Maybe I should have said, "Hi girlfriend" but I just could not let Oprah think I was a poser.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Beach Etiquette II
If you are visiting a beautiful beach town like mine there are certain rules of beach etiquette one must follow...or the locals will make your stay a living hell....jes sayin'....so here are a few helpful suggestions for all of you tourists who invade...I mean "visit" our beaches every summer...I will have more to come...the summer is young...but right now.............
1. Tents: My newest pet peeve is tent people at the beach...WTF? Why do you think that it is necessary to construct a huge tent for a day at the beach? An umbrella isn't enough shade for you people? You're at the freakin' beach, the sun is part of the package. If you need that much shade go to the beach at night! And who is that person all bundled up in bed sheets wearing a straw hat and huge sunglasses hovering in the back of that tent? Does that lady come with the tent in a bag with the extra rope and stakes? I swear she is in every tent on the beach! "This is your new beach tent from Sam's Club, and this is Aunt Helen at no extra charge! No, sorry you have to take her she comes with the tent wearing this lovely caftan sitting in this old-ass garden chair."
You cannot set up the tent on Saturday and keep it up until the following Friday. Not cool....First come first serve, tent freaks! You cannot mark your territory for the week (with urine or a tent) and show up when you feel like it. You may walk out there on Sunday and find that the tent has been moved....far, far, away during the night...by...someone...
B. Space: Why do you feel the need to erect that stupid tent or chairs or whatever so close to me and mine that when your grandma passes out refreshments she offers me a Capri Sun? Seriously!? When you see people with their chairs, etc sitting on the beach MOVE AWAY FROM THEM! Drag your crap the hell away from other people on the beach! Are you the same people who sit right in front of me in an almost empty movie theater? Yeah, I thought so...This is not New Jersey...we have plenty of beautiful free space on our beaches...use it! I should not be able to hear your cousin Joey whine because you make him wear water shoes ...who the heck invented those things? If you want to guarantee that your child will never get laid until he marries his second cousin at age 45, put him in water shoes! TWO WORDS>>.FLIP FLOPS! Move away and keep walking until I can no longer smell your Coppertone SPF110 nuclear resistant sunscreen that never quite rubs into your skin all the way so you end up looking like a Kabuki dancer throwing a frisbee! Learn where your beach bubble is and stay in it!
13. Ocean ignorance: Lake swimmers...this is not Lake Winokfhehbjhlblic...this is the powerful Atlantic Ocean! There is a tide that often rips, there are waves that arrive in sets, and once in a while you need to make sure your children are in front of YOU and not ME. Don't give the little darlings a body board and then turn your back on them. Bonus info....that is not a shark, it is a bottle nosed dolphin so quit screaming.
AA. Who the hell told the lifeguards last weekend that their uncle went for a swim and never came back and had them call the entire VB rescue team, the Coast guard from Elizabeth City, helicopters, boats, divers and News Channel 10 to look for the moron without following the flare line to the restaurant where he was happily sipping a beer and eating nachos??? He just got sick of his family after an entire 48 hours of togetherness and snuck off to sit in the bar alone, feeling right proud of his ingenuity. It must have been embarrassing for all involved when that same dude wandered out of the restaurant into the parking lot and asked the EMS workers what all the fuss was about. The rescue folks told the guy that some idiot tourist from Ohio was missing in the water. The guy said, "Huh, I'm an idiot tourist from Ohio"...well, you can guess what happened next. I don't know about the rest of you but I think that family of idiots should have to reimburse the taxpayers of this fair city for just being stupid! Don't report a drowning until you at least text them first to see if they are doing tequila shots, ok?
1. Tents: My newest pet peeve is tent people at the beach...WTF? Why do you think that it is necessary to construct a huge tent for a day at the beach? An umbrella isn't enough shade for you people? You're at the freakin' beach, the sun is part of the package. If you need that much shade go to the beach at night! And who is that person all bundled up in bed sheets wearing a straw hat and huge sunglasses hovering in the back of that tent? Does that lady come with the tent in a bag with the extra rope and stakes? I swear she is in every tent on the beach! "This is your new beach tent from Sam's Club, and this is Aunt Helen at no extra charge! No, sorry you have to take her she comes with the tent wearing this lovely caftan sitting in this old-ass garden chair."
You cannot set up the tent on Saturday and keep it up until the following Friday. Not cool....First come first serve, tent freaks! You cannot mark your territory for the week (with urine or a tent) and show up when you feel like it. You may walk out there on Sunday and find that the tent has been moved....far, far, away during the night...by...someone...
B. Space: Why do you feel the need to erect that stupid tent or chairs or whatever so close to me and mine that when your grandma passes out refreshments she offers me a Capri Sun? Seriously!? When you see people with their chairs, etc sitting on the beach MOVE AWAY FROM THEM! Drag your crap the hell away from other people on the beach! Are you the same people who sit right in front of me in an almost empty movie theater? Yeah, I thought so...This is not New Jersey...we have plenty of beautiful free space on our beaches...use it! I should not be able to hear your cousin Joey whine because you make him wear water shoes ...who the heck invented those things? If you want to guarantee that your child will never get laid until he marries his second cousin at age 45, put him in water shoes! TWO WORDS>>.FLIP FLOPS! Move away and keep walking until I can no longer smell your Coppertone SPF110 nuclear resistant sunscreen that never quite rubs into your skin all the way so you end up looking like a Kabuki dancer throwing a frisbee! Learn where your beach bubble is and stay in it!
13. Ocean ignorance: Lake swimmers...this is not Lake Winokfhehbjhlblic...this is the powerful Atlantic Ocean! There is a tide that often rips, there are waves that arrive in sets, and once in a while you need to make sure your children are in front of YOU and not ME. Don't give the little darlings a body board and then turn your back on them. Bonus info....that is not a shark, it is a bottle nosed dolphin so quit screaming.
AA. Who the hell told the lifeguards last weekend that their uncle went for a swim and never came back and had them call the entire VB rescue team, the Coast guard from Elizabeth City, helicopters, boats, divers and News Channel 10 to look for the moron without following the flare line to the restaurant where he was happily sipping a beer and eating nachos??? He just got sick of his family after an entire 48 hours of togetherness and snuck off to sit in the bar alone, feeling right proud of his ingenuity. It must have been embarrassing for all involved when that same dude wandered out of the restaurant into the parking lot and asked the EMS workers what all the fuss was about. The rescue folks told the guy that some idiot tourist from Ohio was missing in the water. The guy said, "Huh, I'm an idiot tourist from Ohio"...well, you can guess what happened next. I don't know about the rest of you but I think that family of idiots should have to reimburse the taxpayers of this fair city for just being stupid! Don't report a drowning until you at least text them first to see if they are doing tequila shots, ok?
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Duggars
Yep....the Duggars...okay, not the ultra Christian nutbags who are on TV wearing prairie dresses and believing in creationism...I'm talking about the nutbag huge family who spent their vacation down the street from my house. My friends and family were at the beach on the 4th of July doing what normal people do at the beach...surfing, sunning, reading and talking. We took what most locals take to the beach; beach chairs, sand toys (in our case shovels, buckets, and dinosaurs...yes, dinosaurs) towels, sunscreen, two surfboards, and a cooler full of "water" and snacks. We hauled it all down in our overpriced but very necessary beach cart with balloon tires. That is what locals with kids take to the beach. Locals who are single take a chair OR a surfboard and maybe a towel...oh, and girls take their phone so they can text their BFFs and tell them how lame it is to live here and why do these stupid tourists have to show up and ruin their day...blah, blah, OMG, blah.
The "Duggars" arrived...and arrived...and arrived in pre-determined groups like an ectomorphic Stepford family. I could picture their 5AM meetings with the Alpha Duggar assigning duties from his ipad..."BIF! you take the teen boys and do your 10 mile run, Muffy! take the womenfolk and assemble a nutritious lunch, Tad! we are going to do our 30 mile bike ride, 100 push-ups and then stake our camp near the beach access. Grandpa! Put that oxygen tank away and breathe on your own, you're weak! Everyone hold hands and promise not to eat anything containing fat, refined sugar, or artificial coloring....or fun....(YES SENSEI!) BREAK!"
First came the Dads carrying beach chairs, footballs, umbrellas and towels. One of the Dads was wearing a red skin tight rash guard which I assumed designated him as the alpha. The next brigade was the teenaged boys who brought what most teenaged boys bring...nothing, but they jumped when the elders gave them orders to set up the umbrellas, etc. Next came the girls in their colorful bikinis on their perfect teenaged bodies with their ipods and their chairs and their attitudes and finally the moms wearing age appropriate tankinis and straw hats with their coolers and the toddlers and their martyred resentment accompanied by their disdain for anyone who wasn't "them." We watched, simultaneously fascinated at the family dynamic, and annoyed that they needed to set up their circus so close to us. They didn't even notice anyone but "them" was even on the beach! They proceeded to set up a huge tent (way too close to "us") and all of the males seemed to know their roles in this activity. In fact, they all seemed to know their roles in all the family activities and it was so perfect that we could not turn away. We watched as they gathered for family posed pictures of them jumping and racing into the ocean on command and forming circles for "talks." Everything was a competition.
They didn't walk down the beach, they sprinted...with enthusiasm and the arrogance of winning athletes. They totally ignored everyone else on the beach as they went about their regimented routine. The moms wore straw hats and prepared drinks and the lemons. THE LEMONS! Every day that week a designated mom would show up in the afternoon with a bucket of (what we discovered after much staring and debating) were lemons. The bucket was like a clown car for lemons. They just kept pulling out more lemons! We saw a mom, who's assigned job that day was to prepare the sacred fruit of the ectomorph, and all she did was cut off the top of the lemon and shove in a short straw. That's it...a lemon with a straw and they all gathered around like that was the family crack pipe, THE LEMONS ARE HERE!!!!! All fifty of the Duggars would stop what they were doing, and believe me they were all "doing"....tossing footballs, paddle ball, swimming (not just playing in the water, they were swimming and timing it and swimming in designated groups according to age and gender) and frantically building a sandcastle worthy of Will and Kate. They would all suddenly stop and run to the LEMONS! It was unbelievable! I even lost my place in the book I was reading. It was all so rehearsed and perfect...until the non-Stepford woman showed up and ruined their family perfection. There she was...wearing a black plus sized bathing suit. She had a hard time making it down the dunes to the beach and I instantly felt for her. Imagine being a member of that health nut ectomorphic athletic family when you love you some hostess ho-hos? That poor woman! She must have married....yep, there he was....the unattractive Duggar. He wasn't tan, he wasn't perfect, but he was still skinny like the rest of them and he had him a big girl! No bony woman for that Duggar rebel! They all gave sideways glances as Big Girl Duggar arrived...late and lemon-less. I wanted to run to her, give a hug and let her sit with us! "Come on over here, girlfriend! We'll give you some chips and a pack o' cookies and a laugh or two! No one is racing or playing nerdy paddle ball! We won't make you get your picture taken with those skinny bitches and here is a Corona with lime! It's so much better than a lemon with a straw!
The "Duggars" arrived...and arrived...and arrived in pre-determined groups like an ectomorphic Stepford family. I could picture their 5AM meetings with the Alpha Duggar assigning duties from his ipad..."BIF! you take the teen boys and do your 10 mile run, Muffy! take the womenfolk and assemble a nutritious lunch, Tad! we are going to do our 30 mile bike ride, 100 push-ups and then stake our camp near the beach access. Grandpa! Put that oxygen tank away and breathe on your own, you're weak! Everyone hold hands and promise not to eat anything containing fat, refined sugar, or artificial coloring....or fun....(YES SENSEI!) BREAK!"
First came the Dads carrying beach chairs, footballs, umbrellas and towels. One of the Dads was wearing a red skin tight rash guard which I assumed designated him as the alpha. The next brigade was the teenaged boys who brought what most teenaged boys bring...nothing, but they jumped when the elders gave them orders to set up the umbrellas, etc. Next came the girls in their colorful bikinis on their perfect teenaged bodies with their ipods and their chairs and their attitudes and finally the moms wearing age appropriate tankinis and straw hats with their coolers and the toddlers and their martyred resentment accompanied by their disdain for anyone who wasn't "them." We watched, simultaneously fascinated at the family dynamic, and annoyed that they needed to set up their circus so close to us. They didn't even notice anyone but "them" was even on the beach! They proceeded to set up a huge tent (way too close to "us") and all of the males seemed to know their roles in this activity. In fact, they all seemed to know their roles in all the family activities and it was so perfect that we could not turn away. We watched as they gathered for family posed pictures of them jumping and racing into the ocean on command and forming circles for "talks." Everything was a competition.
They didn't walk down the beach, they sprinted...with enthusiasm and the arrogance of winning athletes. They totally ignored everyone else on the beach as they went about their regimented routine. The moms wore straw hats and prepared drinks and the lemons. THE LEMONS! Every day that week a designated mom would show up in the afternoon with a bucket of (what we discovered after much staring and debating) were lemons. The bucket was like a clown car for lemons. They just kept pulling out more lemons! We saw a mom, who's assigned job that day was to prepare the sacred fruit of the ectomorph, and all she did was cut off the top of the lemon and shove in a short straw. That's it...a lemon with a straw and they all gathered around like that was the family crack pipe, THE LEMONS ARE HERE!!!!! All fifty of the Duggars would stop what they were doing, and believe me they were all "doing"....tossing footballs, paddle ball, swimming (not just playing in the water, they were swimming and timing it and swimming in designated groups according to age and gender) and frantically building a sandcastle worthy of Will and Kate. They would all suddenly stop and run to the LEMONS! It was unbelievable! I even lost my place in the book I was reading. It was all so rehearsed and perfect...until the non-Stepford woman showed up and ruined their family perfection. There she was...wearing a black plus sized bathing suit. She had a hard time making it down the dunes to the beach and I instantly felt for her. Imagine being a member of that health nut ectomorphic athletic family when you love you some hostess ho-hos? That poor woman! She must have married....yep, there he was....the unattractive Duggar. He wasn't tan, he wasn't perfect, but he was still skinny like the rest of them and he had him a big girl! No bony woman for that Duggar rebel! They all gave sideways glances as Big Girl Duggar arrived...late and lemon-less. I wanted to run to her, give a hug and let her sit with us! "Come on over here, girlfriend! We'll give you some chips and a pack o' cookies and a laugh or two! No one is racing or playing nerdy paddle ball! We won't make you get your picture taken with those skinny bitches and here is a Corona with lime! It's so much better than a lemon with a straw!
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