mail carrier...whah???

I was sitting in my car outside of the local gym waiting for my daughter to finish teaching her yoga class so we could go out to lunch.  What? Yeah, I was sitting on my fat ass in an air conditioned SUV, checking Facebook on my iphone, planning which carb-fest I was in the mood to scarf up while watching hot, sweaty, skinny bitches walk out of the gym with their matching workout wear and their designer water bottles (we all know that Fiji water tastes exactly the same as the stuff that flows outta your faucet) They looked at me with with disdain as they smugly got into their vehicles and drove home to fix a healthy vegan lunch...which they planned to immediately throw up in their newly redecorated bathrooms...but I digress...
My daughter teaches yoga and is very dedicated, which explains why I had been sitting there waiting for her for twenty five minutes while she talked to her students after class. I hate waiting...for anything!  I am one of the most impatient people I know and I am the first to admit it...which makes the fact that my daughter teaches yoga even more ironic.  I have no patience and a short attention span, but fortunately I am easily entertained.  I was pretending to text while I was watching these perfect people exit the gym when I noticed a mail truck idling near the entrance.  All of a sudden, a tall black young woman burst through the doors of  the tanning salon next door and into the hot steamy parking lot.  I immediately thought, what the hell was she doing in that fake and bake palace?  That's not racist it's just good common sense!  She was wearing skin tight (I'm talking, how the hell did you even pull those up?) jean shorts that came to her knees.  She was also into multiple accessories.  You've seen these fashionistas...if one belt is good then two skinny belts with metallic sparkle is even better!  Why wear one tank top when you can wear three?  So what if it's 95 degrees outside?  The designers saw this chick coming!  "We'll convince the ladies that "layering" is the way to go!  They'll buy ten tank tops instead of three! Hey, we convinced them to pay for water, didn't we?"  Anyway, Miss Multiple Accessories was also wearing three earrings in each ear, many gold necklaces, and rings, rings, rings!  She was also wearing a pair of black Chuck Taylors with no socks and a blue plastic glove on her right hand.  Whah? Had she been giving the folks at the tanning salon prostate exams?
 I know you are wondering why I was so captivated by this lover of tight, tight clothing and multiple accessories?  Because she WAS DRIVING THE MAIL TRUCK!!!   WHAH????  My mail carrier wears a pair of ugly postal issue blue walking shorts with a stripe down the side.  I need to tell her that she can wear whatever she wants!  Miss Thing stepped into the mail truck and with her ungloved hand, picked up her Big Gulp and took a long swig...and then drove off...Yes Virginia, there is a postal diva and she delivers to the south end!  I think I need to accessorize my mailbox!

Is it a hoard or pick?

There is a fine line between a good pick and an ungodly hoard. "Pickers" is a show about two guys who drive across America and try to con old guys with huge barns full of crap into selling them the valuable stuff so they can sell it for double the price to other pickers...does that make sense to you or am I the only one who finds that redundant?

 I am obsessed with "Pickers" and "Hoarders" and I can't look away. I am the type of sicko who gets excited every time they find a flat dead cat on Hoarders.  Wouldn't that make an awesome drinking game?  "Dead cat!  Drink!"  I know...awwwwwe..oh stop.  You know you love it when the dudes in the haz-mat suits pull a dead cat out from under a pile of old newspaper, magazines, Burger King wrappers, and a fur covered sofa, oh wait that's the homeowner...!  "Dead cat boys!  Bring me another Hefty bag!"  Holy Christ!  How do these people stand it?  I know, they have a sickness....they are crazy as bedbugs...BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF DEAD CATS!  WTF?  Multiple cats are bad enough, but how can they sit in a house full of stinking, barking dogs?  I only have one dog and even she gets annoying...she's always on the wrong side of the door...she's in...she wants out....she's out....she wants it.  I guess when you have 56 dogs you just get so tired of getting up during "All My Children" that you just finally let them poop up the place?  I saw an episode of Hoarders where the guy was hoarding rabbits...yes, bunnies.  They were all in the walls, under the foundation and everything!  As soon as they cleared the house they kept finding random rabbits running across the hall...which kinda looked like an episode of "Ghost Adventures" my other obsession.  "I have on my electromagnetic voice regulator and...Whoa!  Did you see that rabbit?"  Yes, we all saw that rabbit you idiot, wrong show! The haunted area is down the street in the old abandoned hospital!

What's with the boxes? It always fascinates me that these hoarders have random cardboard boxes laying around as if they thought...well...today I might just box up some...naaahhhhh, I need a nap!

 I think they should just call the guys from "Pickers" and make one big show called "Pick That Hoard!" It would be awesome!  "Hey Gertrude, ya, how much do you want for these moldy antique pizza delivery boxes from 1976?"  "Well I don't know if I wanna let them go.  I have great memories of that pepperoni..."  "Would ya take $5.00?"  SOLD!  They would back up that white van and have a heyday! But then...who would they sell the pizza box to?? HOARDERS! And that my children is the cycle of life....

Carova rental

I have always used a rental agency to take care of my Outer Banks rental home.  This year I decided to save money by renting it out myself.  Our house is accessible by four wheel drive vehicles exclusively because the "roads" are sand.  I have stated that fact along with every other fact about the house and the surrounding area on the rental site I use to advertise our home for seasonal rentals.  The site even provides the owner a template to fill out that includes all of the household items (AKA amenities) that one could possibly want in a rental house. If the prospective renter has any questions they contact me directly.  The reason I am telling you all of this very interesting information is because I want you to understand how amazingly stupid some folks can be when they are asked to read.  I mean, why read when they can e-mail or call the owner to read it for them?  The questions I get about this house would make many folks lose their mind. Instead of going crazy I have chosen to share some of these gems with you.  I swear these are real excerpts from prospective renters...

"Dear Jane, My wife and I would love to rent your house in August.  My wife loves her minivan and wants to drive it to Carova. Will a minivan make it thru the sand?"  No you idiot!  A minivan should never, ever, under any circumstances leave the car lot because once you sit behind the wheel of that family nightmare van you will start tucking your shirts into your waist high belted shorts and start wearing white leather Reeboks. Does your van have the family stick figures in the back window?  No mini vans, dude.  You will need a four wheel drive vehicle and some balls.

"Dear Jane, Gee, I love your house!  I know the rent during July is $2500 a week, but the wife and I have five kids and are on a budget.  Would you consider $800 for the week including taxes and deposit?  Thanks, Bob"  Sure Bob, of course we will because I don't need any more money.   Why would I want to pay my mortgage when I can give you and your brood the family vacation of a lifetime?  Please come get the key in person.  I will have a doctor ready to give you a freakin' vasectomy!

{Big D just asked if this was my blog or were these the answers I actually gave these folks. He knows me so well.  Relax sugar buns, it's the blog.  The real replies were much nicer,,,,wink wink.}

"Dear Jane,  Can I ride my bike in the sand?"  Why the hell are you asking me that question, Lance Armstrong?  Do you have a four wheel drive bike? Sure you can! Can I watch? Be sure to wear you creepy spandex shorts and your helmet!

"Dear Jane,  Is there a place I can go windsurfing?  Thanks, William.
 Dear William, I am going to take this opportunity to tell you that windsurfing is the dorkiest sport you can try besides roller blading with full padding.  If you ever want to get laid please do not go windsurfing. Roller blading is okay if it's 1991 and you're still in middle school. Try fishing.

"Dear Jane, Do you provide blankets and pillows? How about dishes in the kitchen?  Thanks, Barb" Dear Barb, Please bring a Lenox china service for twelve...you can pick the pattern.

"Dear Jane, Since your house is in the 4 wheel drive area, does that mean my car would need to have 4 wheel drive?"  I have no answer for that question....jut imagine crickets chirping as I stare with my mouth open...I swear someone actually asked that question.

"Dear Jane, I have two dogs and the old one likes to get in the hot tub.  Are dogs allowed in the hot tub?"  For the love of god what the hell do you think?  Of course they are!  I love sitting in hot steamy water with an old ass dog!

"Dear Jane, If the water isn't working, can you bring us some?"  Sure, let me rev up the fire truck. Can you please leave a window open?

Damn, I should write an advice column!