Carova rental

I have always used a rental agency to take care of my Outer Banks rental home.  This year I decided to save money by renting it out myself.  Our house is accessible by four wheel drive vehicles exclusively because the "roads" are sand.  I have stated that fact along with every other fact about the house and the surrounding area on the rental site I use to advertise our home for seasonal rentals.  The site even provides the owner a template to fill out that includes all of the household items (AKA amenities) that one could possibly want in a rental house. If the prospective renter has any questions they contact me directly.  The reason I am telling you all of this very interesting information is because I want you to understand how amazingly stupid some folks can be when they are asked to read.  I mean, why read when they can e-mail or call the owner to read it for them?  The questions I get about this house would make many folks lose their mind. Instead of going crazy I have chosen to share some of these gems with you.  I swear these are real excerpts from prospective renters...

"Dear Jane, My wife and I would love to rent your house in August.  My wife loves her minivan and wants to drive it to Carova. Will a minivan make it thru the sand?"  No you idiot!  A minivan should never, ever, under any circumstances leave the car lot because once you sit behind the wheel of that family nightmare van you will start tucking your shirts into your waist high belted shorts and start wearing white leather Reeboks. Does your van have the family stick figures in the back window?  No mini vans, dude.  You will need a four wheel drive vehicle and some balls.

"Dear Jane, Gee, I love your house!  I know the rent during July is $2500 a week, but the wife and I have five kids and are on a budget.  Would you consider $800 for the week including taxes and deposit?  Thanks, Bob"  Sure Bob, of course we will because I don't need any more money.   Why would I want to pay my mortgage when I can give you and your brood the family vacation of a lifetime?  Please come get the key in person.  I will have a doctor ready to give you a freakin' vasectomy!

{Big D just asked if this was my blog or were these the answers I actually gave these folks. He knows me so well.  Relax sugar buns, it's the blog.  The real replies were much nicer,,,,wink wink.}

"Dear Jane,  Can I ride my bike in the sand?"  Why the hell are you asking me that question, Lance Armstrong?  Do you have a four wheel drive bike? Sure you can! Can I watch? Be sure to wear you creepy spandex shorts and your helmet!

"Dear Jane,  Is there a place I can go windsurfing?  Thanks, William.
 Dear William, I am going to take this opportunity to tell you that windsurfing is the dorkiest sport you can try besides roller blading with full padding.  If you ever want to get laid please do not go windsurfing. Roller blading is okay if it's 1991 and you're still in middle school. Try fishing.

"Dear Jane, Do you provide blankets and pillows? How about dishes in the kitchen?  Thanks, Barb" Dear Barb, Please bring a Lenox china service for twelve...you can pick the pattern.

"Dear Jane, Since your house is in the 4 wheel drive area, does that mean my car would need to have 4 wheel drive?"  I have no answer for that question....jut imagine crickets chirping as I stare with my mouth open...I swear someone actually asked that question.

"Dear Jane, I have two dogs and the old one likes to get in the hot tub.  Are dogs allowed in the hot tub?"  For the love of god what the hell do you think?  Of course they are!  I love sitting in hot steamy water with an old ass dog!

"Dear Jane, If the water isn't working, can you bring us some?"  Sure, let me rev up the fire truck. Can you please leave a window open?

Damn, I should write an advice column!