Holy backlash, Batman! My last blog was intended to make fun of myself and my bad temper, but several people, who had no idea who I was talking about, assumed the blog was about them or someone related to them! Actually the blog was about my crazy arguing fetish and was loosely based on an e-mail argument I had with a former co-worker who had the tendancy to send out inappropriate politically biased e-mails to the faculty as "jokes" and I, as well as everyone else with a brain and social skills, was sick of receiving them so I sent him a polite, and definitely censored version of my rant and... magic! The e-mails stopped and Mr. Politically Incorrect started to see the light. Everyone is not a Christian, everyone does not need to hear every thought that enters your very tiny brain. Never argue politics at work and for the love of all that is holy STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!!! We came to an understanding...he agreed try to stop staring at my spectacular mammory glands and telling everyone racist jokes and I agreed not to rip his lungs out. After a week of improved behavior he must have noticed that people ceased to run and hide when they saw him coming and Happy Hours once again became happy!
We all know this guy, there's one in every office. They watch Fox news as if it's real and they spend most of their days seething in self- righteous anger. Hell, my own husband was feeling sorry for the guy when he read my blog last week and he doesn't even know him beyond a brief introduction at a holiday party two years ago! "Jane, how can you make fun of the guy's BABY?" Well, I have a confession to make....the guy doesn't even have a baby. Criticizing his non-existant baby was just to show the extreme of my (mental) insults! He does, however have a wife who looks like Droopy Dog, but I guess we will all look like Droopy Dog at her age unless we start saving for plastic surgery NOW! I think I have a few years before the landslide but I'm not taking any chances. College fund be damned! I need to stay fabulous!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
You're Ugly And Your Mother Dresses You Funny
It takes a lot to get me riled up but when I do the unlucky person who is at fault had better take cover. When I argue with someone, I tend to....argue with someone. If I really dislike that person I just don't let anything drop. My daughter and my husband are so much kinder than I am and I have great admiration for them, but it hasn't rubbed off on me. They spare feelings, heal wounds, and try to keep peace in the family...not me. I will never give in if I know I'm right no matter who I'm arguing with, and I'm always right because I am the smartest person in the world, just ask me. If it is a political argument I will take them to the mat...and stomp on their head...twice. I just can't, scratch that, DON'T give in. There is nothing that makes my blood boil like a conservative, right wing, fundamentalist, Fox news watching smug"christian" republican. I have probably alienated some of my readers, but does that stop me? NO! I even argue with people on the news...from my house! I know they can hear me because my opinion is that valid. It transcends time and space right through the universe into the TV station and they know that I, the liberal, progressive, educated, humanist disagree with them and they are afraid! Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck get a chill down their spine when I see them on the tube and they have no idea that they cringe because I'm at home holding them in contempt!
Recently a person offended me in a very personal and condescending manner by sticking his nose into a comment that was none of his business. Not only that, but he was so stupid his comment had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation at hand. It also came from an ignorant ass who everyone knows is an ignorant ass. I mean, this person is known for his stupid comments and self important bullshit, and usually folks just roll their eyes behind his back and consider the source. But did that fact stop me from figuratively crushing his mis-shapen skull? NO! Instead of ignoring the ignorant uninformed moron (I'm starting to get mad all over again) I immediately wanted to strike back! I wrote several responses, all of which I had to delete because I went straight to his fat covered jugular and I had to pull back. "You're stupid, you have an ugly baby and your wife looks like Droopy Dog. You're an insecure pussy who has no formal education and your insecurities have caused you to turn into a worthless loser who has no friends and I am doing you a favor even responding to you. You are lucky your family even talks to you (I'm assuming they do talk to him but who knows, right?) I have never liked you nor has anyone else and you should thank us for acknowledging you at all in the past and that is going to stop as of today...you are dead to me....dead...oh, and I hear you have a tiny penis." Well, you get the idea. I even left some things out because I was trying to be nice....baahahahaha. Sometimes I just have to go there first and then I erase the truth and try to phrase it in a more acceptable format that reads like it was written by an evolved human being with an ounce of sense and the brain and self-control of a mature adult and not an irrational rabid spider monkey with PMS.
I'm waiting for the day I accidentally press "send" instead of "delete" after one of my rants and all hell will break loose....okay who am I kidding? I really want to accidentally press "send" and see what happens. Unfortunately I think it will feel a lot like the morning after what I, in my drunken tequila addled state, assumed was a festive evening. Sure, it was fun getting drunk and dancing on the hood of the car, but the next morning the neighbors won't talk to you and the car hood is all full of dents. Holy crap! I had better not press send, huh?
My poor husband just shakes his head and tells the "target"...I mean "person" that they have screwed with the wrong woman. Secretly I think he admires my gift of thinking on my feet because he smiles when I am in mid insult, but he cringes over the fact that I rarely choose to have a verbal filter. My quick witted insult factory comes in handy when we are buying a car, negotiating a deal, or returning faulty merchandise, but becomes quite a party stopper at a family reunion or a funeral.
Thank goodness my daughter learned her sense of diplomacy from her amazing yoga practice (breathe mom!) and her father. He is Mr PR...married to a rabid spider monkey....poor guy.
Recently a person offended me in a very personal and condescending manner by sticking his nose into a comment that was none of his business. Not only that, but he was so stupid his comment had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation at hand. It also came from an ignorant ass who everyone knows is an ignorant ass. I mean, this person is known for his stupid comments and self important bullshit, and usually folks just roll their eyes behind his back and consider the source. But did that fact stop me from figuratively crushing his mis-shapen skull? NO! Instead of ignoring the ignorant uninformed moron (I'm starting to get mad all over again) I immediately wanted to strike back! I wrote several responses, all of which I had to delete because I went straight to his fat covered jugular and I had to pull back. "You're stupid, you have an ugly baby and your wife looks like Droopy Dog. You're an insecure pussy who has no formal education and your insecurities have caused you to turn into a worthless loser who has no friends and I am doing you a favor even responding to you. You are lucky your family even talks to you (I'm assuming they do talk to him but who knows, right?) I have never liked you nor has anyone else and you should thank us for acknowledging you at all in the past and that is going to stop as of today...you are dead to me....dead...oh, and I hear you have a tiny penis." Well, you get the idea. I even left some things out because I was trying to be nice....baahahahaha. Sometimes I just have to go there first and then I erase the truth and try to phrase it in a more acceptable format that reads like it was written by an evolved human being with an ounce of sense and the brain and self-control of a mature adult and not an irrational rabid spider monkey with PMS.
I'm waiting for the day I accidentally press "send" instead of "delete" after one of my rants and all hell will break loose....okay who am I kidding? I really want to accidentally press "send" and see what happens. Unfortunately I think it will feel a lot like the morning after what I, in my drunken tequila addled state, assumed was a festive evening. Sure, it was fun getting drunk and dancing on the hood of the car, but the next morning the neighbors won't talk to you and the car hood is all full of dents. Holy crap! I had better not press send, huh?
My poor husband just shakes his head and tells the "target"...I mean "person" that they have screwed with the wrong woman. Secretly I think he admires my gift of thinking on my feet because he smiles when I am in mid insult, but he cringes over the fact that I rarely choose to have a verbal filter. My quick witted insult factory comes in handy when we are buying a car, negotiating a deal, or returning faulty merchandise, but becomes quite a party stopper at a family reunion or a funeral.
Thank goodness my daughter learned her sense of diplomacy from her amazing yoga practice (breathe mom!) and her father. He is Mr PR...married to a rabid spider monkey....poor guy.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Serial Killer's Paradise
I was watching the news today and the report was about a bunch of dead hookers found in the dunes of a beach in New Jersey. The reporter said the murders may not be related because this area is "well known" as a perfect dumping ground for dead bodies....really? Do the cops know this? Wouldn't you think that someone would set up a Nanny cam or something? Just put a Teddy Bear with a camera in its belly in the dunes and wait! They said that the murders may not be related in any way because dead bodies are commonly found in the dunes. UMMMMM, DUH? Everyone knows that this is a popular dumping ground for dead bodies??? Maybe they should send a few rookies out there to sit in a tower or something? Am I missing something? Send a detective, send a patrol car, send a K9 unit! Send a mall cop out there on a scooter with a tazer, just send someone!
The report stated that all of the hookers were found tied up in burlap bags and dumped between the sand dunes. How did the cops know the ladies were hookers? Did they wear their hooker ID bracelets? Were they found wearing clear heels with a handful of condoms and their pimp's phone number in a rabbit fur purse? What about the dead bodies screamed I AM A HOOKER? Not to mention they were found wrapped in burlap bags...burlap bags? Where the hell do you find burlap bags in 2011? Seriously, when is the last time you saw a burlap bag for sale, much less one large enough for a standard sized hooker? Do they have a murderer's website with links to shopping? "Yes folks, www.serialkiller.com has the best prices on what every psychopath needs! We have a special first timer's package that includes everything you need to make your first rampage a success! We will include burlap bags, rope, rags soaked in chloroform (in those pop-top containers like baby wipes), a shovel and extra large cases of bleach! For an extra charge we will include a large bottle of Human Remains Febreeze guaranteed to neutralize even the most persistent odors!" They probably even have PayPal! Wake up New Jersey! Send someone out there! jeeeeez!
The report stated that all of the hookers were found tied up in burlap bags and dumped between the sand dunes. How did the cops know the ladies were hookers? Did they wear their hooker ID bracelets? Were they found wearing clear heels with a handful of condoms and their pimp's phone number in a rabbit fur purse? What about the dead bodies screamed I AM A HOOKER? Not to mention they were found wrapped in burlap bags...burlap bags? Where the hell do you find burlap bags in 2011? Seriously, when is the last time you saw a burlap bag for sale, much less one large enough for a standard sized hooker? Do they have a murderer's website with links to shopping? "Yes folks, www.serialkiller.com has the best prices on what every psychopath needs! We have a special first timer's package that includes everything you need to make your first rampage a success! We will include burlap bags, rope, rags soaked in chloroform (in those pop-top containers like baby wipes), a shovel and extra large cases of bleach! For an extra charge we will include a large bottle of Human Remains Febreeze guaranteed to neutralize even the most persistent odors!" They probably even have PayPal! Wake up New Jersey! Send someone out there! jeeeeez!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Temporary Vegan
Okay, so I have gained close to a hundred pounds this winter. No, it was really only 35, but it feels like a hundred. My daughter is a yoga instructor. I am not a yoga instructor. I used to walk 5 miles a day, but I was incapacitated for eight months or so because I had a fight with a propane fireplace and lost. I spent the past year feeling sorry for myself and comfort food helped me cope. I have finally decided to get out and live again and I have officially broken up with Ben and Jerry. I also had an affair with Cherry Garcia but that's over now... really...I was drunk...on sugar...and sweet, sweet creamy goodness.
I decided to try a cleanse to jump start my metabolism, which has apparently retreated into the recesses of my youth. My daughter and her yoga friends were all going to try a vegan cleanse...yes, I said VEGAN. Now, those of you who know me know that I scoff at such extremes. I went on a popular 21 day liquid cleanse two years ago that almost killed me. No, really I would have survived but my family would have been found running down Sandbridge road covered in kale smoothie if I had continued beyond three days. I'm sorry, I can't drink green drinks unless they contain tequila or I'm at an Irish bar on St Patrick's Day and that will probably never happen. My friend Christie lost twenty pounds on the cleanse, so I tried it. I went down to the local hippie hangout store and bought whatever the hairy armpit lady in the vintage peasant dress told me to buy. I know her dress was vintage because it smelled like she hadn't washed it since 1972.
Anyway, I drank the "essential greens" in a smoothie that tasted like...essential greens in a smoothie...ew and I began to gag...and after taking a fraction of all of the lovely $150's worth of supplements, I began to notice some growling and churning going on down below. I spent the better part of two days in the bathroom giving back all that I had bought from the Hippie lady. Holy mother of Buddha! I was as pale as I felt and I tried to stick with it but my family held an intervention. My son in law Mike told me how much he loved me and hated to see me so sad. My daughter tried to get me off the supplements and on bananas and brown rice. My husband threatened to take drastic measures if I didn't change my ways. I agreed to kick the "greens" and leave the bathroom. I turned organic for six months and lost twenty pounds that year. But sadly I heard the siren call of white almond cake and chicken and dumplin's and I regressed back into processed food hell. The incident with the fire turned me into s sedintary blob for a year. Today is the anniversary of the explosion and I am starting over. I am doing another cleanse...but this one does involve fresh veggies and brown rice. I've lost seven pounds...I'll keep you all posted.
I decided to try a cleanse to jump start my metabolism, which has apparently retreated into the recesses of my youth. My daughter and her yoga friends were all going to try a vegan cleanse...yes, I said VEGAN. Now, those of you who know me know that I scoff at such extremes. I went on a popular 21 day liquid cleanse two years ago that almost killed me. No, really I would have survived but my family would have been found running down Sandbridge road covered in kale smoothie if I had continued beyond three days. I'm sorry, I can't drink green drinks unless they contain tequila or I'm at an Irish bar on St Patrick's Day and that will probably never happen. My friend Christie lost twenty pounds on the cleanse, so I tried it. I went down to the local hippie hangout store and bought whatever the hairy armpit lady in the vintage peasant dress told me to buy. I know her dress was vintage because it smelled like she hadn't washed it since 1972.
Anyway, I drank the "essential greens" in a smoothie that tasted like...essential greens in a smoothie...ew and I began to gag...and after taking a fraction of all of the lovely $150's worth of supplements, I began to notice some growling and churning going on down below. I spent the better part of two days in the bathroom giving back all that I had bought from the Hippie lady. Holy mother of Buddha! I was as pale as I felt and I tried to stick with it but my family held an intervention. My son in law Mike told me how much he loved me and hated to see me so sad. My daughter tried to get me off the supplements and on bananas and brown rice. My husband threatened to take drastic measures if I didn't change my ways. I agreed to kick the "greens" and leave the bathroom. I turned organic for six months and lost twenty pounds that year. But sadly I heard the siren call of white almond cake and chicken and dumplin's and I regressed back into processed food hell. The incident with the fire turned me into s sedintary blob for a year. Today is the anniversary of the explosion and I am starting over. I am doing another cleanse...but this one does involve fresh veggies and brown rice. I've lost seven pounds...I'll keep you all posted.
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