It takes a lot to get me riled up but when I do the unlucky person who is at fault had better take cover. When I argue with someone, I tend to....argue with someone. If I really dislike that person I just don't let anything drop. My daughter and my husband are so much kinder than I am and I have great admiration for them, but it hasn't rubbed off on me. They spare feelings, heal wounds, and try to keep peace in the family...not me. I will never give in if I know I'm right no matter who I'm arguing with, and I'm always right because I am the smartest person in the world, just ask me. If it is a political argument I will take them to the mat...and stomp on their head...twice. I just can't, scratch that, DON'T give in. There is nothing that makes my blood boil like a conservative, right wing, fundamentalist, Fox news watching smug"christian" republican. I have probably alienated some of my readers, but does that stop me? NO! I even argue with people on the news...from my house! I know they can hear me because my opinion is that valid. It transcends time and space right through the universe into the TV station and they know that I, the liberal, progressive, educated, humanist disagree with them and they are afraid! Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck get a chill down their spine when I see them on the tube and they have no idea that they cringe because I'm at home holding them in contempt!
Recently a person offended me in a very personal and condescending manner by sticking his nose into a comment that was none of his business. Not only that, but he was so stupid his comment had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation at hand. It also came from an ignorant ass who everyone knows is an ignorant ass. I mean, this person is known for his stupid comments and self important bullshit, and usually folks just roll their eyes behind his back and consider the source. But did that fact stop me from figuratively crushing his mis-shapen skull? NO! Instead of ignoring the ignorant uninformed moron (I'm starting to get mad all over again) I immediately wanted to strike back! I wrote several responses, all of which I had to delete because I went straight to his fat covered jugular and I had to pull back. "You're stupid, you have an ugly baby and your wife looks like Droopy Dog. You're an insecure pussy who has no formal education and your insecurities have caused you to turn into a worthless loser who has no friends and I am doing you a favor even responding to you. You are lucky your family even talks to you (I'm assuming they do talk to him but who knows, right?) I have never liked you nor has anyone else and you should thank us for acknowledging you at all in the past and that is going to stop as of today...you are dead to me....dead...oh, and I hear you have a tiny penis." Well, you get the idea. I even left some things out because I was trying to be nice....baahahahaha. Sometimes I just have to go there first and then I erase the truth and try to phrase it in a more acceptable format that reads like it was written by an evolved human being with an ounce of sense and the brain and self-control of a mature adult and not an irrational rabid spider monkey with PMS.
I'm waiting for the day I accidentally press "send" instead of "delete" after one of my rants and all hell will break loose....okay who am I kidding? I really want to accidentally press "send" and see what happens. Unfortunately I think it will feel a lot like the morning after what I, in my drunken tequila addled state, assumed was a festive evening. Sure, it was fun getting drunk and dancing on the hood of the car, but the next morning the neighbors won't talk to you and the car hood is all full of dents. Holy crap! I had better not press send, huh?
My poor husband just shakes his head and tells the "target"...I mean "person" that they have screwed with the wrong woman. Secretly I think he admires my gift of thinking on my feet because he smiles when I am in mid insult, but he cringes over the fact that I rarely choose to have a verbal filter. My quick witted insult factory comes in handy when we are buying a car, negotiating a deal, or returning faulty merchandise, but becomes quite a party stopper at a family reunion or a funeral.
Thank goodness my daughter learned her sense of diplomacy from her amazing yoga practice (breathe mom!) and her father. He is Mr PR...married to a rabid spider monkey....poor guy.
1 comment:
he loves the fact you are a rabid spider monkey, because he doesn't ever have to be. We, i mean, you are his mouthpiece.
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