Temporary Vegan

Okay, so I have gained close to a hundred pounds this winter.  No, it was really only 35, but it feels like a hundred. My daughter is a yoga instructor.  I am not a yoga instructor. I used to walk 5 miles a day, but I was incapacitated for eight months or so because I had a fight with a propane fireplace and lost.  I spent the past year feeling sorry for myself and comfort food helped me cope.  I have finally decided to get out and live again and I have officially broken up with Ben and Jerry. I also had an affair with Cherry Garcia but that's over now... really...I was drunk...on sugar...and sweet, sweet creamy goodness.

 I decided to try a cleanse to jump start my metabolism, which has apparently retreated into the recesses of my youth. My daughter and her yoga friends were all going to try a vegan cleanse...yes, I said VEGAN.  Now, those of you who know me know that I scoff at such extremes.  I went on a popular 21 day liquid cleanse two years ago that almost killed me.  No, really I would have survived but my family would have been found running down Sandbridge road covered in  kale smoothie if I had continued beyond three days.  I'm sorry, I can't drink green drinks unless they contain tequila or I'm at an Irish bar on St Patrick's Day and that will probably never happen.  My friend Christie lost twenty pounds on the cleanse, so I tried it.  I went down to the local hippie hangout store and bought whatever the hairy armpit lady in the vintage peasant dress told me to buy.  I know her dress was vintage because it smelled like she hadn't washed it since 1972.
Anyway, I drank the "essential greens" in a smoothie that tasted like...essential greens in a smoothie...ew and I began to gag...and after taking a fraction of all of the lovely $150's worth of supplements, I began to notice some growling and churning going on down below.  I spent the better part of two days in the bathroom giving back all that I had bought from the Hippie lady.   Holy mother of Buddha!  I was as pale as I felt and I tried to stick with it but my family held an intervention.  My son in law Mike told me how much he loved me and hated to see me so sad.  My daughter tried to get me off the supplements and on bananas and brown rice.  My husband threatened to take drastic measures if I didn't change my ways.  I agreed to kick the "greens" and leave the bathroom.  I turned organic for six months and lost twenty pounds that year.  But sadly I heard the siren call of white almond cake and chicken and dumplin's and I regressed back into processed food hell.  The incident with the fire turned me into s sedintary blob for a year.  Today is the anniversary of the explosion and I am starting over.  I am doing another cleanse...but this one does involve fresh veggies and brown rice.  I've lost seven pounds...I'll keep you all posted.