Beach Etiquette II

If you are visiting a beautiful beach town like mine there are certain rules of beach etiquette one must follow...or the locals will make your stay a living hell....jes sayin'....so here are a few helpful suggestions for all of you tourists who invade...I mean "visit" our beaches every summer...I will have more to come...the summer is young...but right now.............

1. Tents:  My newest pet peeve is tent people at the beach...WTF?  Why do you think that it is necessary to construct a huge tent for a day at the beach?  An umbrella isn't enough shade for you people?  You're at the freakin' beach, the sun is part of the package. If you need that much shade go to the beach at night! And who is that person all bundled up in bed sheets wearing a straw hat and huge sunglasses hovering in the back of that tent?  Does that lady come with the tent in a bag with the extra rope and stakes?  I swear she is in every tent on the beach!  "This is your new beach tent from Sam's Club, and this is Aunt Helen at no extra charge! No, sorry you have to take her she comes with the tent wearing this lovely caftan sitting in this old-ass garden chair."

You cannot set up the tent on Saturday and keep it up until the following Friday.   Not cool....First come first serve, tent freaks!  You cannot mark your territory for the week (with urine or a tent) and show up when you feel like it.  You may walk out there on Sunday and find that the tent has been moved....far, far, away during the night...by...someone...

B. Space: Why do you feel the need to erect that stupid tent or chairs or whatever so close to me and mine that when your grandma  passes out refreshments she offers me a Capri Sun? Seriously!?  When you see people with their chairs, etc sitting on the beach MOVE AWAY FROM THEM!  Drag your crap the hell away from other people on the beach!  Are you the same people who sit right in front of me in an almost empty movie theater?  Yeah, I thought so...This is not New Jersey...we have plenty of beautiful free space on our beaches...use it! I should not be able to hear your cousin Joey whine because you make him wear water shoes ...who the heck invented those things?  If you want to guarantee that your child will never get laid until he marries his second cousin at age 45, put him in water shoes! TWO WORDS>>.FLIP FLOPS!    Move away and keep walking until I can no longer smell your Coppertone SPF110 nuclear resistant sunscreen that never quite rubs into your skin all the way so you end up looking like a Kabuki dancer throwing a frisbee! Learn where your beach bubble is and stay in it!

13. Ocean ignorance:  Lake swimmers...this is not Lake Winokfhehbjhlblic...this is the powerful Atlantic Ocean!  There is a tide that often rips, there are waves that arrive in sets, and once in a while you need to make sure your children are in front of YOU and not ME.  Don't give the little darlings a body board and then turn your back on them.  Bonus info....that is not a shark, it is a bottle nosed dolphin so quit screaming.

AA. Who the hell told the lifeguards last weekend that their uncle went for a swim and never came back and had them call the entire VB rescue team, the Coast guard from Elizabeth City, helicopters, boats, divers and News Channel 10 to look for the moron without following the flare line to the restaurant where he was happily sipping a beer and eating nachos???  He just got sick of his family after an entire 48 hours of togetherness and snuck off to sit in the bar alone, feeling right proud of his ingenuity.  It must have been embarrassing for all involved when that same dude wandered out of the restaurant into the parking lot and asked the EMS workers what all the fuss was about.  The rescue folks told the guy that some idiot tourist from Ohio was missing in the water.  The guy said, "Huh, I'm an idiot tourist from Ohio"...well, you can guess what happened next.  I don't know about the rest of you but I think that family of idiots should have to reimburse the taxpayers of this fair city for just being stupid!  Don't report a drowning until you at least text them first to see if they are doing tequila shots,  ok?