The Duggars

Yep....the Duggars...okay, not the ultra Christian nutbags who are on TV wearing prairie dresses and believing in creationism...I'm talking about the nutbag huge family who spent their vacation down the street from my house.  My friends and family were at the beach on the 4th of July doing what normal people do at the beach...surfing, sunning, reading and talking.  We took what most locals take to the beach; beach chairs, sand toys (in our case shovels, buckets, and dinosaurs...yes, dinosaurs) towels, sunscreen, two surfboards, and a cooler full of "water" and snacks. We hauled it all down in our overpriced but very necessary beach cart with balloon tires.  That is what locals with kids take to the beach.  Locals who are single take a chair OR a surfboard and maybe a towel...oh, and girls take their phone so they can text their BFFs and tell them how lame it is to live here and why do these stupid tourists have to show up and ruin their day...blah, blah, OMG, blah.

The "Duggars" arrived...and arrived...and arrived in pre-determined groups like an ectomorphic Stepford family.  I could picture their 5AM meetings with the Alpha Duggar assigning duties from his ipad..."BIF! you take the teen boys and do your 10 mile run, Muffy! take the womenfolk and assemble a nutritious lunch, Tad! we are going to do our 30 mile bike ride, 100 push-ups and then stake our camp near the beach access. Grandpa! Put that oxygen tank away and breathe on your own, you're weak! Everyone hold hands and promise not to eat anything containing fat, refined sugar, or artificial coloring....or fun....(YES SENSEI!) BREAK!"

First came the Dads carrying beach chairs, footballs, umbrellas and towels.  One of the Dads was wearing a red skin tight rash guard which I assumed designated him as the alpha.  The next brigade was the teenaged boys who brought what most teenaged boys bring...nothing, but they jumped when the elders gave them orders to set up the umbrellas, etc.  Next came the girls in their colorful bikinis on their perfect teenaged bodies with their ipods and their chairs and their attitudes and finally the moms wearing age appropriate tankinis and straw hats with their coolers and the toddlers and their martyred resentment accompanied by their disdain for anyone who wasn't "them." We watched, simultaneously fascinated at the family dynamic, and annoyed that they needed to set up their circus so close to us.  They didn't even notice anyone but "them" was even on the beach!  They proceeded to set up a huge tent (way too close to "us") and all of the males seemed to know their roles in this activity.  In fact,  they all seemed to know their roles in all the family activities and it was so perfect that we could not turn away. We watched as they gathered for family posed pictures of them jumping and racing into the ocean on command and forming circles for "talks." Everything was a competition.

 They didn't walk down the beach, they sprinted...with enthusiasm and the arrogance of winning athletes.  They totally ignored everyone else on the beach as they went about their regimented routine.    The moms wore straw hats and prepared drinks and the lemons.  THE LEMONS!  Every day that week a designated mom would show up in the afternoon with a bucket of (what we discovered after much staring and debating) were lemons.  The bucket was like a clown car for lemons.  They just kept pulling out more lemons!  We saw a mom, who's assigned job that day was to prepare the sacred fruit of the ectomorph, and all she did was cut off the top of the lemon and shove in a short straw.  That's it...a lemon with a straw and they all gathered around like that was the family crack pipe, THE LEMONS ARE HERE!!!!! All fifty of the Duggars would stop what they were doing, and believe me they were all "doing"....tossing footballs, paddle ball, swimming (not just playing in the water, they were swimming and timing it and swimming in designated groups according to age and gender) and frantically building a sandcastle worthy of Will and Kate.  They would all suddenly stop and run to the LEMONS!  It was unbelievable!    I even lost my place in the book I was reading. It was all so rehearsed and perfect...until the non-Stepford woman showed up and ruined their family perfection.  There she was...wearing a black plus sized bathing suit.  She had a hard time making it down the dunes to the beach and I instantly felt for her.  Imagine being a member of that health nut ectomorphic athletic family when you love you some hostess ho-hos?  That poor woman!  She must have married....yep, there he was....the unattractive Duggar.  He wasn't tan, he wasn't perfect, but he was still skinny like the rest of them and he had him a big girl!  No bony woman for that Duggar rebel!  They all gave sideways glances as Big Girl Duggar arrived...late and lemon-less.  I wanted to run to her, give a hug and let her sit with us!  "Come on over here, girlfriend!  We'll give you some chips and a pack o' cookies and a laugh or two! No one is racing or playing nerdy paddle ball!  We won't make you get your picture taken with those skinny bitches and here is a Corona with lime!  It's so much better than a lemon with a straw!