Yeah, I said it....I need to lose 500 pounds in six weeks. We are going to Hawaii on a dream vaca and I have gained 40 lbs in the past year. HELP! I'm going to Hawaii and I will have to wear a mumu! I have no idea why I have not gotten with the program and exercised and eaten healthy and...do I smell brownies? What was I talking about? Oh yeah, eating healthy. I need to walk my five miles a day like I did until I realized how much fun it was to sit on my ample ass on our soft velvety sectional and facebook stalk, check pinterist and watch TV at the same time. I am also hooked on a hilarious blog called Dlisted.com. Dlisted is not for the prude or feint of heart or for those who are easily offended but that dude phrases things so hilariously that I think we were separated at birth.
As for Pinterest...I do love the recipes, etc, but seriously, it is way too nicey-nice for me. Check my nicey-nice blog entry to find out how much I hate nice....ness? I cannot be as nice as Pinterest wants me to be so I may get blacklisted. This past December some idiot posted a picture of a newborn baby in a glass vase full of candy canes and everyone was ooing and aweing over how "cute" that picture was and I wanted to call Child Protective Services on that idiot! A baby in a glass vase...full of candy??? I just kept picturing broken glass and bloody candy canes...so I wrote that as my comment. Well, as you may suspect, the pinterest loving, cross stitching, pinboard obsessed, cookie baking, school teachers were so offended by my comments and mentioned that the pic was photoshopped...ummmm, whatever! That could have been a real baby shoved in a thin glass vase full of sugary treats! How the heck did I know it was photoshopped? I was just trying to be a good citizen!
Last week some fashion impaired dweeb pinned a picture of light blue"capelett" and loved it. A capelett? Is capelette even a word? To begin with I have an aversion to anything that ends in -ette. It is usually an abbreviated version of something that wasn't that wonderful to begin with and you will be disappointed. Anyway, a CAPELETTE? A cape indicates one of two things: You are (or think you are) a superhero or you are a field nurse in WWII. Nobody needs a capelette...ever.
I have begun to seek out stupid pins and make rude comments to the pinners (who I have never met) just for my own entertainment. Stop pinning puppies and kittens and writing, "awe" under them! really? Puppies and kittens? That's all ya got? I almost miss the sadistic chick who was blacklisted for pinning self mutilation pics of lesbian sadists and vampire wannabes! At least she had a vision!
Wait, wasn't I talking about my weight loss program? I need to get back on topic. I wish I could be a bulimic. I have the bingeing part down, but barfing is just too much work. First you have to shop at a big box store to get the enormous bags of Oreos and Doritos, schlep them up two flights of stairs, and then you have to binge, and then you have to barf and then you have to clean the bathroom. There are way too many steps to follow. I draw the line at cleaning the bathroom.
Anorexia is out of the question too. That takes commitment and planning and suffering and I just don't have that much self hatred going for me. I may be chubbin' out, but I don't want my organs to start failing. I may have some chocolate chips hidden in the house somewhere and I need the strength to find them! Priorities, people!
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