There's A Squatch Out There!

My newest obsession: "The Search For Big Foot" on Animal Planet.  It is hilarious!  Three 45 year old virgins, who have been searching for Bigfoot their entire lives, team up with Miss Jane Hathaway,  who says she is...okay dresses like... a "scientist" and is the only person on the show who isn't convinced that there is a squatch in them woods....she is also the only one who knows the whereabouts of her dignity.  Four idiots travel all over the USA searching for rednecks who swear that they have spotted a Sasquatch...when they were sober....ish. Many have pictures, videos and plaster casts of squatch footprints.  What, you don't carry a bag of plaster of paris when you hike?  "The wife and I walked into the woods and it was then we seed it.  Big, hairy, and shy....jes starin at us and then he ran behind that rise over there.  Here's a plaster cast of his foot....see them toes?"  Yeah, sure we do Jim Bob, sure we do....now go home and turn them overalls around so they ain't on backwards and we'll put your crazy ass on camera.  

Outdoors in a secluded area of a generic forest the four morons talk to the camera...usually in infared.   The virgins wear cargo shorts and old batting helmets they stole from a nearby Little League team.  They have attached three foot fishing rods to the front of the helmets and on the end of these rods they have attached infared cameras.  Duct tape is a beautiful thing.  They look like accident victims wearing neck injury halos.  I am just waiting for one of them to poke the other's eyes out when they whip around shushing each other.  Miss Jane Hathaway usually wears khakies and a shirt with lots of pockets...oh, and she carries a clip board...very official, as she restates her doubts as to the validity of Bigfoot.  "I still think that's a picture of a marmoset swinging from that tree."  Really?  A marmoset?  IN VERMONT?  Well, you are the scientist.

Whispering so the squatch won't hear them and run away (either that or the squatch is getting ready to putt, either way it's funny) they discuss their game plan; "Bobo and I (No, seriously his name really is Bobo)  will take the north flank and you two take the south end."  There are numerous shots of them looking around shushing each other with their odd infared eyes and then they say..."WHOA!  I think there's a squatch in these woods..."  Of course we never see a squatch, nor will we ever see a squatch because the show is called "SEARCHING for Bigfoot" not "FINDING Bigfoot!"

Now, it's time for action!  Looking around in their green infared light, trying to squawk and yell like a sasquatch, the group begins to get excited.... I have no idea how they know what a sasquatch sounds like but hey, let's just pretend.  They shine the infared into the forest and say, "Hey, I see eyes...and movement!"  Of course you see eyes and movement, Rikki Tikki Tavi, you're in the woods...at night!

The best episode was on last night.  One group went south and the other group went north.  The groups stayed in communication using their official Sasquatch walkie talkies.  The south group opened up a canvas bag and pulled out a couple of hinged two by fours and slapped them together one time because "squatches communicate by hitting trees!"  The group to the north called south on the walkie talking and said: "We just heard a squatch bang a tree! It sounded like it was in your direction!!"  The north group then whistled "like a squatch" and the south called them and said;"We just heard a squatch whistle!  I think it is near you!!"  These idiots went on like this for thirty minutes!   I kept waiting for them to run into each other.

Why do I watch?  I love this crap!  Three social misfits, who spent their childhood sketching Bigfoot in their spiral notebooks during math class found a "scientist" with a vagina who would actually spend time with them, making it big in Hollywood...okay, basic cable, but it's a start!