senile

I just checked yesterday's mail and the Sentara Health Moguls sent me a helpful postcard with a white haired woman holding a golf club, lining up a putt, that said: "I love my new hip!  Ask us about our newest in Hip Replacement!" What the hell?  My name was on the front of this card so they must be talking about my old ass hips, right? I am also getting plenty of insult mail from AARP lately.  Stop sending me membership applications!  I'm only 53!  If I can be a member of a retirement organization why do I still have to go to work every day...huh, AARP???  Don't these old age pushers know that I do not plan on being a senior citizen?  It just isn't worth admitting I am old just to get a free small coffee at Micky D's!

I think this a conspiracy to break the self esteem of everyone over the age of fifty until we all think that we must sign up for new ball joints and medication schedules while we can still think straight and sign our own name.  Dang!  We had better get some hearing aids and set up that cataract surgery now!?  Pretty soon I'll be racing down to Moyock for dentures to put over my real teeth just because my time must be up!  Only VB and NC folks know that Moyock has a discount denture trailer right over the VA border.  Gram used to go there to get her "partial" and my mom would drive her there every year.  When I was a kid I thought Moyock was just a place for old folks to get teeth.  Imagine my surprise when I realized that it was actually a city in North Carolina....where many of their residents don't give a damn whether they have teeth or not.

I refuse to give in to being a senior citizen when I still feel like I'm 25...okay, maybe 35...but I am not going to cut my hair in a sensible short gray 'do and carry a white purse that goes SNAP when you close it.  I will not shove tissues up the sleeve of my cardigan sweater and I will not wear Easy Spirit walking shoes with navy blue ployester pull on pants! I will not spend my afternoons watching The Price Is Right and waiting for my stories to come on!  I will definitely not lose my desire to be at the center of everything.

I will continue to go to the beach and OMG expose my face to the sun.  Do not lecture me about skin cancer and don't tell me the story of how your Uncle Bubba had a tumor the size of a grapefruit cleaved off of his shoulder because he refused to wear sunscreen!  I don't wanna hear it, lalalalalalala!
I love the sun, I love to hear the waves crash and I love to watch my g-perfects swim, surf, and make crazy architectural masterpieces out of sea grass, shells, and sand and a sunhat messes up my tan lines.

  I'm not giving up all the stuff I like to do and start talking about all of my visits to the doctor.  I will never discuss my blood sugar levels, my blood pressure medicine, or my aching joints....so forget about your enticing hip replacement ad, Sentara...no matter how sexy you make it sound.