tanning

As you all know I am tanning at our local tanning salon/Mensa hangout in preparation for our family trip to Hawaii.  I was lying in the hot fake sun pretending I could hear the surf...when in reality all I could hear was Blondie trying to talk an unsuspecting novice tanner into buying crappy lotion for....drumroll please...$100!!!!  Yes, I said ONE HUNDRED AMERICAN DOLLARS for cheap stinky tanning bed lotion.  "BUT you'll get the full value back in blue bucks that you can spend to upgrade to a better bed!" If I hadn't already been bucky naky and gettin' my bronze on I would have stopped the madness....but I was tanning! Priorities!

  When I was given the same hyperactive, wide-eyed, gum popping miracle lotion pitch I asked what these lotions contained that my tube of Eucerin was lacking.   She went blank...at least I think she went blank, it was hard to tell.  Suddenly her rehearsed speech popped back into her head and she told me that their lotion contained "emollients and tanning boosters like green tea oil!"  Okay, all lotions contain emollients.  The green tea as a tanning aid was just too weird.  Green tea seems to be the new miracle ingredient because it is also in my soap, my lip balm, my shampoo, and my energy drink!  I had no idea that it would also give me a bronze glow!  Why tan?  I can just roll in green tea leaves!  Does Dr Oz know about this?


Where was I?  Oh yeah ... I was lost in tan land when I realized that  Big D needs to tan so he won't burn in HI.  I am married to a man who has never even considered tanning...or the need to comb his hair..."What?  It just blows into place, Jane!"  After I arrived home and showed him my new bronzy...okay, slightly pink...glow, I mentioned the tanning idea to him and he just gave me the "Why do you bother me with crap like this...Oh hell, you're serious" face.  Seriously! I don't want him to fry in the hot sun and ruin MY....I mean his vacation! He is middle of winter white.  He hates sunscreen and refuses to wear it and whines like a two year old when I spray him down at the beach. He grew up at the beach and he doesn't need girl lotion! "I always have one good peel before I turn black Jane!  It's normal!"  No D, it's barbaric!  Just come to the tanning place and I'll show you what to do!  "I don't need you to come with me just tell me what to do. I'll go by myself."

 Okay, first, don't buy anything but the five week month package for the best bed. "What? Jane, there aren't five weeks in a month..." Work with me D, just pretend that there are five weeks in a month and when she asks you if you have lotion just say yes.  "But I don't have any lotion."  DWAYNE!  If you tell them that they will talk you into the $100 lotion!  I know how you are.  "I am not going tanning it's just too much bullshit."  That is Big D's favorite word and he uses it often to end discussions.  He uses it for everything.  He's had enough of this bullshit...he's sick of this bullshit....he doesn't want anymore of this bullshit...He's done talking about this bullshit!  When he starts in with the bullshit the argument is over and he's ready to sit in his chair and eat red meat....Maybe we'll tan tomorrow....