Cake?

I am fighting a chest cold and decided to collapse on the sofa with a cup of green tea.  I happened to click on one of those "cake" shows.  You know the ones I am talking about...teams of "bakers" compete to see who can touch and massage the fondant the most.  Okay, that's not the premise but that's how I see it.  Those people rub, pat, roll and fondle the fondant with their bare hands, rubbing their funky skin cells  all over the cake.  I especially gag when they show a close up of their bitten down dirty fingernails as they pat, pat, pat the fondant and press, squeeze and smoosh the "krispie cereal treats." Are we really going to see someone put that nasty epithelial (thank you CSI Miami...and The Who...cue the scream>>>) filled "food" into their mouths? ew!  While I'm on the subject of "cake making"...if it ain't cake, it ain't a cake....lemme clarify: Rice Krispie treats rolled up on a PVC pipe to support a board and more piping and found objects hooked up to a smoke machine covered in "fondant" attached to twelve inches of real cake ain't cake.  Seriously?  It seems that anyone can put together a skyscraper with some tinker toys, cover it with gummy fondant and call it a cake on these shows!

But even with all that fondant molesting I still crave the most wonderful food in the world...white almond buttercream frosting on a white almond cake.  My mouth is watering while I eat....I mean write this.  I swear I only attend weddings to get a piece of that sugary goodness and when the bride gets creative and serves chocolate or some other non-traditional flavor I just want to get up and leave and take my income appropriate gift with me! Why mess with perfection?  I want my turkey with stuffing and cranberries, my steak with a baked potato and my wedding with a white almond cake. Is that too  much to ask?

Okay, maybe I'm jealous.  I can cook, but I swear I cannot bake a two layer cake without some type of leaning tower of WTF mishap!  They are all uneven on the top and sloping east and I cannot figure out why.  I follow all the directions in the recipe and my oven is level so why do they slope?  I try to even them out by matching up the skinny side on one cake with the fat side on the other but they still begin to slide to the counter like the Jamaican bobsled team and it ends up an ugly but tasty mess.  Hey, there ain't nuttin' wrong with eating cake with a spoon, right?  One day I tried to stick some bamboo chopsticks into the cake to prevent the slide but then I ended up with a sloppy sliding cake anyway...and two bamboo skewers.  I called it Chinese Surprise cake...SURPRISE! It's not Chinese!  CSI my ass! The skewers were there to throw you off Horatio! Cue the Scream>>>>>>>>>>