Yeah, I said it....I need to lose 500 pounds in six weeks. We are going to Hawaii on a dream vaca and I have gained 40 lbs in the past year. HELP! I'm going to Hawaii and I will have to wear a mumu! I have no idea why I have not gotten with the program and exercised and eaten healthy and...do I smell brownies? What was I talking about? Oh yeah, eating healthy. I need to walk my five miles a day like I did until I realized how much fun it was to sit on my ample ass on our soft velvety sectional and facebook stalk, check pinterist and watch TV at the same time. I am also hooked on a hilarious blog called Dlisted.com. Dlisted is not for the prude or feint of heart or for those who are easily offended but that dude phrases things so hilariously that I think we were separated at birth.
As for Pinterest...I do love the recipes, etc, but seriously, it is way too nicey-nice for me. Check my nicey-nice blog entry to find out how much I hate nice....ness? I cannot be as nice as Pinterest wants me to be so I may get blacklisted. This past December some idiot posted a picture of a newborn baby in a glass vase full of candy canes and everyone was ooing and aweing over how "cute" that picture was and I wanted to call Child Protective Services on that idiot! A baby in a glass vase...full of candy??? I just kept picturing broken glass and bloody candy canes...so I wrote that as my comment. Well, as you may suspect, the pinterest loving, cross stitching, pinboard obsessed, cookie baking, school teachers were so offended by my comments and mentioned that the pic was photoshopped...ummmm, whatever! That could have been a real baby shoved in a thin glass vase full of sugary treats! How the heck did I know it was photoshopped? I was just trying to be a good citizen!
Last week some fashion impaired dweeb pinned a picture of light blue"capelett" and loved it. A capelett? Is capelette even a word? To begin with I have an aversion to anything that ends in -ette. It is usually an abbreviated version of something that wasn't that wonderful to begin with and you will be disappointed. Anyway, a CAPELETTE? A cape indicates one of two things: You are (or think you are) a superhero or you are a field nurse in WWII. Nobody needs a capelette...ever.
I have begun to seek out stupid pins and make rude comments to the pinners (who I have never met) just for my own entertainment. Stop pinning puppies and kittens and writing, "awe" under them! really? Puppies and kittens? That's all ya got? I almost miss the sadistic chick who was blacklisted for pinning self mutilation pics of lesbian sadists and vampire wannabes! At least she had a vision!
Wait, wasn't I talking about my weight loss program? I need to get back on topic. I wish I could be a bulimic. I have the bingeing part down, but barfing is just too much work. First you have to shop at a big box store to get the enormous bags of Oreos and Doritos, schlep them up two flights of stairs, and then you have to binge, and then you have to barf and then you have to clean the bathroom. There are way too many steps to follow. I draw the line at cleaning the bathroom.
Anorexia is out of the question too. That takes commitment and planning and suffering and I just don't have that much self hatred going for me. I may be chubbin' out, but I don't want my organs to start failing. I may have some chocolate chips hidden in the house somewhere and I need the strength to find them! Priorities, people!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Saturday, August 20, 2011
mail carrier...whah???
I was sitting in my car outside of the local gym waiting for my daughter to finish teaching her yoga class so we could go out to lunch. What? Yeah, I was sitting on my fat ass in an air conditioned SUV, checking Facebook on my iphone, planning which carb-fest I was in the mood to scarf up while watching hot, sweaty, skinny bitches walk out of the gym with their matching workout wear and their designer water bottles (we all know that Fiji water tastes exactly the same as the stuff that flows outta your faucet) They looked at me with with disdain as they smugly got into their vehicles and drove home to fix a healthy vegan lunch...which they planned to immediately throw up in their newly redecorated bathrooms...but I digress...
My daughter teaches yoga and is very dedicated, which explains why I had been sitting there waiting for her for twenty five minutes while she talked to her students after class. I hate waiting...for anything! I am one of the most impatient people I know and I am the first to admit it...which makes the fact that my daughter teaches yoga even more ironic. I have no patience and a short attention span, but fortunately I am easily entertained. I was pretending to text while I was watching these perfect people exit the gym when I noticed a mail truck idling near the entrance. All of a sudden, a tall black young woman burst through the doors of the tanning salon next door and into the hot steamy parking lot. I immediately thought, what the hell was she doing in that fake and bake palace? That's not racist it's just good common sense! She was wearing skin tight (I'm talking, how the hell did you even pull those up?) jean shorts that came to her knees. She was also into multiple accessories. You've seen these fashionistas...if one belt is good then two skinny belts with metallic sparkle is even better! Why wear one tank top when you can wear three? So what if it's 95 degrees outside? The designers saw this chick coming! "We'll convince the ladies that "layering" is the way to go! They'll buy ten tank tops instead of three! Hey, we convinced them to pay for water, didn't we?" Anyway, Miss Multiple Accessories was also wearing three earrings in each ear, many gold necklaces, and rings, rings, rings! She was also wearing a pair of black Chuck Taylors with no socks and a blue plastic glove on her right hand. Whah? Had she been giving the folks at the tanning salon prostate exams?
I know you are wondering why I was so captivated by this lover of tight, tight clothing and multiple accessories? Because she WAS DRIVING THE MAIL TRUCK!!! WHAH???? My mail carrier wears a pair of ugly postal issue blue walking shorts with a stripe down the side. I need to tell her that she can wear whatever she wants! Miss Thing stepped into the mail truck and with her ungloved hand, picked up her Big Gulp and took a long swig...and then drove off...Yes Virginia, there is a postal diva and she delivers to the south end! I think I need to accessorize my mailbox!
My daughter teaches yoga and is very dedicated, which explains why I had been sitting there waiting for her for twenty five minutes while she talked to her students after class. I hate waiting...for anything! I am one of the most impatient people I know and I am the first to admit it...which makes the fact that my daughter teaches yoga even more ironic. I have no patience and a short attention span, but fortunately I am easily entertained. I was pretending to text while I was watching these perfect people exit the gym when I noticed a mail truck idling near the entrance. All of a sudden, a tall black young woman burst through the doors of the tanning salon next door and into the hot steamy parking lot. I immediately thought, what the hell was she doing in that fake and bake palace? That's not racist it's just good common sense! She was wearing skin tight (I'm talking, how the hell did you even pull those up?) jean shorts that came to her knees. She was also into multiple accessories. You've seen these fashionistas...if one belt is good then two skinny belts with metallic sparkle is even better! Why wear one tank top when you can wear three? So what if it's 95 degrees outside? The designers saw this chick coming! "We'll convince the ladies that "layering" is the way to go! They'll buy ten tank tops instead of three! Hey, we convinced them to pay for water, didn't we?" Anyway, Miss Multiple Accessories was also wearing three earrings in each ear, many gold necklaces, and rings, rings, rings! She was also wearing a pair of black Chuck Taylors with no socks and a blue plastic glove on her right hand. Whah? Had she been giving the folks at the tanning salon prostate exams?
I know you are wondering why I was so captivated by this lover of tight, tight clothing and multiple accessories? Because she WAS DRIVING THE MAIL TRUCK!!! WHAH???? My mail carrier wears a pair of ugly postal issue blue walking shorts with a stripe down the side. I need to tell her that she can wear whatever she wants! Miss Thing stepped into the mail truck and with her ungloved hand, picked up her Big Gulp and took a long swig...and then drove off...Yes Virginia, there is a postal diva and she delivers to the south end! I think I need to accessorize my mailbox!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Is it a hoard or pick?
There is a fine line between a good pick and an ungodly hoard. "Pickers" is a show about two guys who drive across America and try to con old guys with huge barns full of crap into selling them the valuable stuff so they can sell it for double the price to other pickers...does that make sense to you or am I the only one who finds that redundant?
I am obsessed with "Pickers" and "Hoarders" and I can't look away. I am the type of sicko who gets excited every time they find a flat dead cat on Hoarders. Wouldn't that make an awesome drinking game? "Dead cat! Drink!" I know...awwwwwe..oh stop. You know you love it when the dudes in the haz-mat suits pull a dead cat out from under a pile of old newspaper, magazines, Burger King wrappers, and a fur covered sofa, oh wait that's the homeowner...! "Dead cat boys! Bring me another Hefty bag!" Holy Christ! How do these people stand it? I know, they have a sickness....they are crazy as bedbugs...BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF DEAD CATS! WTF? Multiple cats are bad enough, but how can they sit in a house full of stinking, barking dogs? I only have one dog and even she gets annoying...she's always on the wrong side of the door...she's in...she wants out....she's out....she wants it. I guess when you have 56 dogs you just get so tired of getting up during "All My Children" that you just finally let them poop up the place? I saw an episode of Hoarders where the guy was hoarding rabbits...yes, bunnies. They were all in the walls, under the foundation and everything! As soon as they cleared the house they kept finding random rabbits running across the hall...which kinda looked like an episode of "Ghost Adventures" my other obsession. "I have on my electromagnetic voice regulator and...Whoa! Did you see that rabbit?" Yes, we all saw that rabbit you idiot, wrong show! The haunted area is down the street in the old abandoned hospital!
What's with the boxes? It always fascinates me that these hoarders have random cardboard boxes laying around as if they thought...well...today I might just box up some...naaahhhhh, I need a nap!
I think they should just call the guys from "Pickers" and make one big show called "Pick That Hoard!" It would be awesome! "Hey Gertrude, ya, how much do you want for these moldy antique pizza delivery boxes from 1976?" "Well I don't know if I wanna let them go. I have great memories of that pepperoni..." "Would ya take $5.00?" SOLD! They would back up that white van and have a heyday! But then...who would they sell the pizza box to?? HOARDERS! And that my children is the cycle of life....
I am obsessed with "Pickers" and "Hoarders" and I can't look away. I am the type of sicko who gets excited every time they find a flat dead cat on Hoarders. Wouldn't that make an awesome drinking game? "Dead cat! Drink!" I know...awwwwwe..oh stop. You know you love it when the dudes in the haz-mat suits pull a dead cat out from under a pile of old newspaper, magazines, Burger King wrappers, and a fur covered sofa, oh wait that's the homeowner...! "Dead cat boys! Bring me another Hefty bag!" Holy Christ! How do these people stand it? I know, they have a sickness....they are crazy as bedbugs...BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF DEAD CATS! WTF? Multiple cats are bad enough, but how can they sit in a house full of stinking, barking dogs? I only have one dog and even she gets annoying...she's always on the wrong side of the door...she's in...she wants out....she's out....she wants it. I guess when you have 56 dogs you just get so tired of getting up during "All My Children" that you just finally let them poop up the place? I saw an episode of Hoarders where the guy was hoarding rabbits...yes, bunnies. They were all in the walls, under the foundation and everything! As soon as they cleared the house they kept finding random rabbits running across the hall...which kinda looked like an episode of "Ghost Adventures" my other obsession. "I have on my electromagnetic voice regulator and...Whoa! Did you see that rabbit?" Yes, we all saw that rabbit you idiot, wrong show! The haunted area is down the street in the old abandoned hospital!
What's with the boxes? It always fascinates me that these hoarders have random cardboard boxes laying around as if they thought...well...today I might just box up some...naaahhhhh, I need a nap!
I think they should just call the guys from "Pickers" and make one big show called "Pick That Hoard!" It would be awesome! "Hey Gertrude, ya, how much do you want for these moldy antique pizza delivery boxes from 1976?" "Well I don't know if I wanna let them go. I have great memories of that pepperoni..." "Would ya take $5.00?" SOLD! They would back up that white van and have a heyday! But then...who would they sell the pizza box to?? HOARDERS! And that my children is the cycle of life....
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Carova rental
I have always used a rental agency to take care of my Outer Banks rental home. This year I decided to save money by renting it out myself. Our house is accessible by four wheel drive vehicles exclusively because the "roads" are sand. I have stated that fact along with every other fact about the house and the surrounding area on the rental site I use to advertise our home for seasonal rentals. The site even provides the owner a template to fill out that includes all of the household items (AKA amenities) that one could possibly want in a rental house. If the prospective renter has any questions they contact me directly. The reason I am telling you all of this very interesting information is because I want you to understand how amazingly stupid some folks can be when they are asked to read. I mean, why read when they can e-mail or call the owner to read it for them? The questions I get about this house would make many folks lose their mind. Instead of going crazy I have chosen to share some of these gems with you. I swear these are real excerpts from prospective renters...
"Dear Jane, My wife and I would love to rent your house in August. My wife loves her minivan and wants to drive it to Carova. Will a minivan make it thru the sand?" No you idiot! A minivan should never, ever, under any circumstances leave the car lot because once you sit behind the wheel of that family nightmare van you will start tucking your shirts into your waist high belted shorts and start wearing white leather Reeboks. Does your van have the family stick figures in the back window? No mini vans, dude. You will need a four wheel drive vehicle and some balls.
"Dear Jane, Gee, I love your house! I know the rent during July is $2500 a week, but the wife and I have five kids and are on a budget. Would you consider $800 for the week including taxes and deposit? Thanks, Bob" Sure Bob, of course we will because I don't need any more money. Why would I want to pay my mortgage when I can give you and your brood the family vacation of a lifetime? Please come get the key in person. I will have a doctor ready to give you a freakin' vasectomy!
{Big D just asked if this was my blog or were these the answers I actually gave these folks. He knows me so well. Relax sugar buns, it's the blog. The real replies were much nicer,,,,wink wink.}
"Dear Jane, Can I ride my bike in the sand?" Why the hell are you asking me that question, Lance Armstrong? Do you have a four wheel drive bike? Sure you can! Can I watch? Be sure to wear you creepy spandex shorts and your helmet!
"Dear Jane, Is there a place I can go windsurfing? Thanks, William.
Dear William, I am going to take this opportunity to tell you that windsurfing is the dorkiest sport you can try besides roller blading with full padding. If you ever want to get laid please do not go windsurfing. Roller blading is okay if it's 1991 and you're still in middle school. Try fishing.
"Dear Jane, Do you provide blankets and pillows? How about dishes in the kitchen? Thanks, Barb" Dear Barb, Please bring a Lenox china service for twelve...you can pick the pattern.
"Dear Jane, Since your house is in the 4 wheel drive area, does that mean my car would need to have 4 wheel drive?" I have no answer for that question....jut imagine crickets chirping as I stare with my mouth open...I swear someone actually asked that question.
"Dear Jane, I have two dogs and the old one likes to get in the hot tub. Are dogs allowed in the hot tub?" For the love of god what the hell do you think? Of course they are! I love sitting in hot steamy water with an old ass dog!
"Dear Jane, If the water isn't working, can you bring us some?" Sure, let me rev up the fire truck. Can you please leave a window open?
Damn, I should write an advice column!
"Dear Jane, My wife and I would love to rent your house in August. My wife loves her minivan and wants to drive it to Carova. Will a minivan make it thru the sand?" No you idiot! A minivan should never, ever, under any circumstances leave the car lot because once you sit behind the wheel of that family nightmare van you will start tucking your shirts into your waist high belted shorts and start wearing white leather Reeboks. Does your van have the family stick figures in the back window? No mini vans, dude. You will need a four wheel drive vehicle and some balls.
"Dear Jane, Gee, I love your house! I know the rent during July is $2500 a week, but the wife and I have five kids and are on a budget. Would you consider $800 for the week including taxes and deposit? Thanks, Bob" Sure Bob, of course we will because I don't need any more money. Why would I want to pay my mortgage when I can give you and your brood the family vacation of a lifetime? Please come get the key in person. I will have a doctor ready to give you a freakin' vasectomy!
{Big D just asked if this was my blog or were these the answers I actually gave these folks. He knows me so well. Relax sugar buns, it's the blog. The real replies were much nicer,,,,wink wink.}
"Dear Jane, Can I ride my bike in the sand?" Why the hell are you asking me that question, Lance Armstrong? Do you have a four wheel drive bike? Sure you can! Can I watch? Be sure to wear you creepy spandex shorts and your helmet!
"Dear Jane, Is there a place I can go windsurfing? Thanks, William.
Dear William, I am going to take this opportunity to tell you that windsurfing is the dorkiest sport you can try besides roller blading with full padding. If you ever want to get laid please do not go windsurfing. Roller blading is okay if it's 1991 and you're still in middle school. Try fishing.
"Dear Jane, Do you provide blankets and pillows? How about dishes in the kitchen? Thanks, Barb" Dear Barb, Please bring a Lenox china service for twelve...you can pick the pattern.
"Dear Jane, Since your house is in the 4 wheel drive area, does that mean my car would need to have 4 wheel drive?" I have no answer for that question....jut imagine crickets chirping as I stare with my mouth open...I swear someone actually asked that question.
"Dear Jane, I have two dogs and the old one likes to get in the hot tub. Are dogs allowed in the hot tub?" For the love of god what the hell do you think? Of course they are! I love sitting in hot steamy water with an old ass dog!
"Dear Jane, If the water isn't working, can you bring us some?" Sure, let me rev up the fire truck. Can you please leave a window open?
Damn, I should write an advice column!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Oprah
I saw a dragon fly in my yard who looked just like Oprah Winfrey. In fact, that bug looked so much like Oprah Winfrey that I googled her to see if she had died...and come back as a dragonfly to deliver a special personal message to me. Oh sure, you all think that Gayle or Stedman would be the people she visited in her next life as a dragonfly, but maybe Oprah knows how much I admire her and she just flew in to say, "Hi Jane, you are one amazing person, girlfriend!" I never use the phrase "girlfriend" to another woman as I find that little moniker annoying and overused...especially by middle aged white women who want to relate to black women..."Hey black sister, I am hip and cool....girlfriend...oh no you di'n't!" Unfortunately these black women are way too tolerant and just smile politely and refrain from telling said middle aged white woman to accept the fact that she is white and just talk to black women the same way they talk to every other woman on the planet...in America...
My daughter walked by the garden and said, "Mom, you have to see this dragonfly!" I walked over and looked at the bug...she had blue-green wings and was the prettiest dragonfly I had ever seen...and then that bug looked me straight in the eyes and nodded her head as if to say, "How are you doin'?" I was shocked! This dragon fly had big beautiful Oprah Winfrey lips that were smiling at us. I know you think I have lost what's left of my mind but I could not stop staring at this bug! She stared right back at me and once again looked at me and nodded her head in greeting and I swear on my sliced lime stash in the pool house 'fridge that she smiled at me with those big beautiful lips! I whispered, "Oprah?" and the dragonfly winked...okay, now I'm lying but it felt like she winked and before Ty could get her camera Oprah flew away and we haven't seen her since. My yard is full of dragonflies doing what dragonflies do...flutter, land and eat mosquitos. We always look for Oprah Winfrey Dragonfly, but we haven't seen her again. Maybe I should have said, "Hi girlfriend" but I just could not let Oprah think I was a poser.
My daughter walked by the garden and said, "Mom, you have to see this dragonfly!" I walked over and looked at the bug...she had blue-green wings and was the prettiest dragonfly I had ever seen...and then that bug looked me straight in the eyes and nodded her head as if to say, "How are you doin'?" I was shocked! This dragon fly had big beautiful Oprah Winfrey lips that were smiling at us. I know you think I have lost what's left of my mind but I could not stop staring at this bug! She stared right back at me and once again looked at me and nodded her head in greeting and I swear on my sliced lime stash in the pool house 'fridge that she smiled at me with those big beautiful lips! I whispered, "Oprah?" and the dragonfly winked...okay, now I'm lying but it felt like she winked and before Ty could get her camera Oprah flew away and we haven't seen her since. My yard is full of dragonflies doing what dragonflies do...flutter, land and eat mosquitos. We always look for Oprah Winfrey Dragonfly, but we haven't seen her again. Maybe I should have said, "Hi girlfriend" but I just could not let Oprah think I was a poser.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Beach Etiquette II
If you are visiting a beautiful beach town like mine there are certain rules of beach etiquette one must follow...or the locals will make your stay a living hell....jes sayin'....so here are a few helpful suggestions for all of you tourists who invade...I mean "visit" our beaches every summer...I will have more to come...the summer is young...but right now.............
1. Tents: My newest pet peeve is tent people at the beach...WTF? Why do you think that it is necessary to construct a huge tent for a day at the beach? An umbrella isn't enough shade for you people? You're at the freakin' beach, the sun is part of the package. If you need that much shade go to the beach at night! And who is that person all bundled up in bed sheets wearing a straw hat and huge sunglasses hovering in the back of that tent? Does that lady come with the tent in a bag with the extra rope and stakes? I swear she is in every tent on the beach! "This is your new beach tent from Sam's Club, and this is Aunt Helen at no extra charge! No, sorry you have to take her she comes with the tent wearing this lovely caftan sitting in this old-ass garden chair."
You cannot set up the tent on Saturday and keep it up until the following Friday. Not cool....First come first serve, tent freaks! You cannot mark your territory for the week (with urine or a tent) and show up when you feel like it. You may walk out there on Sunday and find that the tent has been moved....far, far, away during the night...by...someone...
B. Space: Why do you feel the need to erect that stupid tent or chairs or whatever so close to me and mine that when your grandma passes out refreshments she offers me a Capri Sun? Seriously!? When you see people with their chairs, etc sitting on the beach MOVE AWAY FROM THEM! Drag your crap the hell away from other people on the beach! Are you the same people who sit right in front of me in an almost empty movie theater? Yeah, I thought so...This is not New Jersey...we have plenty of beautiful free space on our beaches...use it! I should not be able to hear your cousin Joey whine because you make him wear water shoes ...who the heck invented those things? If you want to guarantee that your child will never get laid until he marries his second cousin at age 45, put him in water shoes! TWO WORDS>>.FLIP FLOPS! Move away and keep walking until I can no longer smell your Coppertone SPF110 nuclear resistant sunscreen that never quite rubs into your skin all the way so you end up looking like a Kabuki dancer throwing a frisbee! Learn where your beach bubble is and stay in it!
13. Ocean ignorance: Lake swimmers...this is not Lake Winokfhehbjhlblic...this is the powerful Atlantic Ocean! There is a tide that often rips, there are waves that arrive in sets, and once in a while you need to make sure your children are in front of YOU and not ME. Don't give the little darlings a body board and then turn your back on them. Bonus info....that is not a shark, it is a bottle nosed dolphin so quit screaming.
AA. Who the hell told the lifeguards last weekend that their uncle went for a swim and never came back and had them call the entire VB rescue team, the Coast guard from Elizabeth City, helicopters, boats, divers and News Channel 10 to look for the moron without following the flare line to the restaurant where he was happily sipping a beer and eating nachos??? He just got sick of his family after an entire 48 hours of togetherness and snuck off to sit in the bar alone, feeling right proud of his ingenuity. It must have been embarrassing for all involved when that same dude wandered out of the restaurant into the parking lot and asked the EMS workers what all the fuss was about. The rescue folks told the guy that some idiot tourist from Ohio was missing in the water. The guy said, "Huh, I'm an idiot tourist from Ohio"...well, you can guess what happened next. I don't know about the rest of you but I think that family of idiots should have to reimburse the taxpayers of this fair city for just being stupid! Don't report a drowning until you at least text them first to see if they are doing tequila shots, ok?
1. Tents: My newest pet peeve is tent people at the beach...WTF? Why do you think that it is necessary to construct a huge tent for a day at the beach? An umbrella isn't enough shade for you people? You're at the freakin' beach, the sun is part of the package. If you need that much shade go to the beach at night! And who is that person all bundled up in bed sheets wearing a straw hat and huge sunglasses hovering in the back of that tent? Does that lady come with the tent in a bag with the extra rope and stakes? I swear she is in every tent on the beach! "This is your new beach tent from Sam's Club, and this is Aunt Helen at no extra charge! No, sorry you have to take her she comes with the tent wearing this lovely caftan sitting in this old-ass garden chair."
You cannot set up the tent on Saturday and keep it up until the following Friday. Not cool....First come first serve, tent freaks! You cannot mark your territory for the week (with urine or a tent) and show up when you feel like it. You may walk out there on Sunday and find that the tent has been moved....far, far, away during the night...by...someone...
B. Space: Why do you feel the need to erect that stupid tent or chairs or whatever so close to me and mine that when your grandma passes out refreshments she offers me a Capri Sun? Seriously!? When you see people with their chairs, etc sitting on the beach MOVE AWAY FROM THEM! Drag your crap the hell away from other people on the beach! Are you the same people who sit right in front of me in an almost empty movie theater? Yeah, I thought so...This is not New Jersey...we have plenty of beautiful free space on our beaches...use it! I should not be able to hear your cousin Joey whine because you make him wear water shoes ...who the heck invented those things? If you want to guarantee that your child will never get laid until he marries his second cousin at age 45, put him in water shoes! TWO WORDS>>.FLIP FLOPS! Move away and keep walking until I can no longer smell your Coppertone SPF110 nuclear resistant sunscreen that never quite rubs into your skin all the way so you end up looking like a Kabuki dancer throwing a frisbee! Learn where your beach bubble is and stay in it!
13. Ocean ignorance: Lake swimmers...this is not Lake Winokfhehbjhlblic...this is the powerful Atlantic Ocean! There is a tide that often rips, there are waves that arrive in sets, and once in a while you need to make sure your children are in front of YOU and not ME. Don't give the little darlings a body board and then turn your back on them. Bonus info....that is not a shark, it is a bottle nosed dolphin so quit screaming.
AA. Who the hell told the lifeguards last weekend that their uncle went for a swim and never came back and had them call the entire VB rescue team, the Coast guard from Elizabeth City, helicopters, boats, divers and News Channel 10 to look for the moron without following the flare line to the restaurant where he was happily sipping a beer and eating nachos??? He just got sick of his family after an entire 48 hours of togetherness and snuck off to sit in the bar alone, feeling right proud of his ingenuity. It must have been embarrassing for all involved when that same dude wandered out of the restaurant into the parking lot and asked the EMS workers what all the fuss was about. The rescue folks told the guy that some idiot tourist from Ohio was missing in the water. The guy said, "Huh, I'm an idiot tourist from Ohio"...well, you can guess what happened next. I don't know about the rest of you but I think that family of idiots should have to reimburse the taxpayers of this fair city for just being stupid! Don't report a drowning until you at least text them first to see if they are doing tequila shots, ok?
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Duggars
Yep....the Duggars...okay, not the ultra Christian nutbags who are on TV wearing prairie dresses and believing in creationism...I'm talking about the nutbag huge family who spent their vacation down the street from my house. My friends and family were at the beach on the 4th of July doing what normal people do at the beach...surfing, sunning, reading and talking. We took what most locals take to the beach; beach chairs, sand toys (in our case shovels, buckets, and dinosaurs...yes, dinosaurs) towels, sunscreen, two surfboards, and a cooler full of "water" and snacks. We hauled it all down in our overpriced but very necessary beach cart with balloon tires. That is what locals with kids take to the beach. Locals who are single take a chair OR a surfboard and maybe a towel...oh, and girls take their phone so they can text their BFFs and tell them how lame it is to live here and why do these stupid tourists have to show up and ruin their day...blah, blah, OMG, blah.
The "Duggars" arrived...and arrived...and arrived in pre-determined groups like an ectomorphic Stepford family. I could picture their 5AM meetings with the Alpha Duggar assigning duties from his ipad..."BIF! you take the teen boys and do your 10 mile run, Muffy! take the womenfolk and assemble a nutritious lunch, Tad! we are going to do our 30 mile bike ride, 100 push-ups and then stake our camp near the beach access. Grandpa! Put that oxygen tank away and breathe on your own, you're weak! Everyone hold hands and promise not to eat anything containing fat, refined sugar, or artificial coloring....or fun....(YES SENSEI!) BREAK!"
First came the Dads carrying beach chairs, footballs, umbrellas and towels. One of the Dads was wearing a red skin tight rash guard which I assumed designated him as the alpha. The next brigade was the teenaged boys who brought what most teenaged boys bring...nothing, but they jumped when the elders gave them orders to set up the umbrellas, etc. Next came the girls in their colorful bikinis on their perfect teenaged bodies with their ipods and their chairs and their attitudes and finally the moms wearing age appropriate tankinis and straw hats with their coolers and the toddlers and their martyred resentment accompanied by their disdain for anyone who wasn't "them." We watched, simultaneously fascinated at the family dynamic, and annoyed that they needed to set up their circus so close to us. They didn't even notice anyone but "them" was even on the beach! They proceeded to set up a huge tent (way too close to "us") and all of the males seemed to know their roles in this activity. In fact, they all seemed to know their roles in all the family activities and it was so perfect that we could not turn away. We watched as they gathered for family posed pictures of them jumping and racing into the ocean on command and forming circles for "talks." Everything was a competition.
They didn't walk down the beach, they sprinted...with enthusiasm and the arrogance of winning athletes. They totally ignored everyone else on the beach as they went about their regimented routine. The moms wore straw hats and prepared drinks and the lemons. THE LEMONS! Every day that week a designated mom would show up in the afternoon with a bucket of (what we discovered after much staring and debating) were lemons. The bucket was like a clown car for lemons. They just kept pulling out more lemons! We saw a mom, who's assigned job that day was to prepare the sacred fruit of the ectomorph, and all she did was cut off the top of the lemon and shove in a short straw. That's it...a lemon with a straw and they all gathered around like that was the family crack pipe, THE LEMONS ARE HERE!!!!! All fifty of the Duggars would stop what they were doing, and believe me they were all "doing"....tossing footballs, paddle ball, swimming (not just playing in the water, they were swimming and timing it and swimming in designated groups according to age and gender) and frantically building a sandcastle worthy of Will and Kate. They would all suddenly stop and run to the LEMONS! It was unbelievable! I even lost my place in the book I was reading. It was all so rehearsed and perfect...until the non-Stepford woman showed up and ruined their family perfection. There she was...wearing a black plus sized bathing suit. She had a hard time making it down the dunes to the beach and I instantly felt for her. Imagine being a member of that health nut ectomorphic athletic family when you love you some hostess ho-hos? That poor woman! She must have married....yep, there he was....the unattractive Duggar. He wasn't tan, he wasn't perfect, but he was still skinny like the rest of them and he had him a big girl! No bony woman for that Duggar rebel! They all gave sideways glances as Big Girl Duggar arrived...late and lemon-less. I wanted to run to her, give a hug and let her sit with us! "Come on over here, girlfriend! We'll give you some chips and a pack o' cookies and a laugh or two! No one is racing or playing nerdy paddle ball! We won't make you get your picture taken with those skinny bitches and here is a Corona with lime! It's so much better than a lemon with a straw!
The "Duggars" arrived...and arrived...and arrived in pre-determined groups like an ectomorphic Stepford family. I could picture their 5AM meetings with the Alpha Duggar assigning duties from his ipad..."BIF! you take the teen boys and do your 10 mile run, Muffy! take the womenfolk and assemble a nutritious lunch, Tad! we are going to do our 30 mile bike ride, 100 push-ups and then stake our camp near the beach access. Grandpa! Put that oxygen tank away and breathe on your own, you're weak! Everyone hold hands and promise not to eat anything containing fat, refined sugar, or artificial coloring....or fun....(YES SENSEI!) BREAK!"
First came the Dads carrying beach chairs, footballs, umbrellas and towels. One of the Dads was wearing a red skin tight rash guard which I assumed designated him as the alpha. The next brigade was the teenaged boys who brought what most teenaged boys bring...nothing, but they jumped when the elders gave them orders to set up the umbrellas, etc. Next came the girls in their colorful bikinis on their perfect teenaged bodies with their ipods and their chairs and their attitudes and finally the moms wearing age appropriate tankinis and straw hats with their coolers and the toddlers and their martyred resentment accompanied by their disdain for anyone who wasn't "them." We watched, simultaneously fascinated at the family dynamic, and annoyed that they needed to set up their circus so close to us. They didn't even notice anyone but "them" was even on the beach! They proceeded to set up a huge tent (way too close to "us") and all of the males seemed to know their roles in this activity. In fact, they all seemed to know their roles in all the family activities and it was so perfect that we could not turn away. We watched as they gathered for family posed pictures of them jumping and racing into the ocean on command and forming circles for "talks." Everything was a competition.
They didn't walk down the beach, they sprinted...with enthusiasm and the arrogance of winning athletes. They totally ignored everyone else on the beach as they went about their regimented routine. The moms wore straw hats and prepared drinks and the lemons. THE LEMONS! Every day that week a designated mom would show up in the afternoon with a bucket of (what we discovered after much staring and debating) were lemons. The bucket was like a clown car for lemons. They just kept pulling out more lemons! We saw a mom, who's assigned job that day was to prepare the sacred fruit of the ectomorph, and all she did was cut off the top of the lemon and shove in a short straw. That's it...a lemon with a straw and they all gathered around like that was the family crack pipe, THE LEMONS ARE HERE!!!!! All fifty of the Duggars would stop what they were doing, and believe me they were all "doing"....tossing footballs, paddle ball, swimming (not just playing in the water, they were swimming and timing it and swimming in designated groups according to age and gender) and frantically building a sandcastle worthy of Will and Kate. They would all suddenly stop and run to the LEMONS! It was unbelievable! I even lost my place in the book I was reading. It was all so rehearsed and perfect...until the non-Stepford woman showed up and ruined their family perfection. There she was...wearing a black plus sized bathing suit. She had a hard time making it down the dunes to the beach and I instantly felt for her. Imagine being a member of that health nut ectomorphic athletic family when you love you some hostess ho-hos? That poor woman! She must have married....yep, there he was....the unattractive Duggar. He wasn't tan, he wasn't perfect, but he was still skinny like the rest of them and he had him a big girl! No bony woman for that Duggar rebel! They all gave sideways glances as Big Girl Duggar arrived...late and lemon-less. I wanted to run to her, give a hug and let her sit with us! "Come on over here, girlfriend! We'll give you some chips and a pack o' cookies and a laugh or two! No one is racing or playing nerdy paddle ball! We won't make you get your picture taken with those skinny bitches and here is a Corona with lime! It's so much better than a lemon with a straw!
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