Is it a hoard or pick?

There is a fine line between a good pick and an ungodly hoard. "Pickers" is a show about two guys who drive across America and try to con old guys with huge barns full of crap into selling them the valuable stuff so they can sell it for double the price to other pickers...does that make sense to you or am I the only one who finds that redundant?

 I am obsessed with "Pickers" and "Hoarders" and I can't look away. I am the type of sicko who gets excited every time they find a flat dead cat on Hoarders.  Wouldn't that make an awesome drinking game?  "Dead cat!  Drink!"  I know...awwwwwe..oh stop.  You know you love it when the dudes in the haz-mat suits pull a dead cat out from under a pile of old newspaper, magazines, Burger King wrappers, and a fur covered sofa, oh wait that's the homeowner...!  "Dead cat boys!  Bring me another Hefty bag!"  Holy Christ!  How do these people stand it?  I know, they have a sickness....they are crazy as bedbugs...BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF DEAD CATS!  WTF?  Multiple cats are bad enough, but how can they sit in a house full of stinking, barking dogs?  I only have one dog and even she gets annoying...she's always on the wrong side of the door...she's in...she wants out....she's out....she wants it.  I guess when you have 56 dogs you just get so tired of getting up during "All My Children" that you just finally let them poop up the place?  I saw an episode of Hoarders where the guy was hoarding rabbits...yes, bunnies.  They were all in the walls, under the foundation and everything!  As soon as they cleared the house they kept finding random rabbits running across the hall...which kinda looked like an episode of "Ghost Adventures" my other obsession.  "I have on my electromagnetic voice regulator and...Whoa!  Did you see that rabbit?"  Yes, we all saw that rabbit you idiot, wrong show! The haunted area is down the street in the old abandoned hospital!

What's with the boxes? It always fascinates me that these hoarders have random cardboard boxes laying around as if they thought...well...today I might just box up some...naaahhhhh, I need a nap!

 I think they should just call the guys from "Pickers" and make one big show called "Pick That Hoard!" It would be awesome!  "Hey Gertrude, ya, how much do you want for these moldy antique pizza delivery boxes from 1976?"  "Well I don't know if I wanna let them go.  I have great memories of that pepperoni..."  "Would ya take $5.00?"  SOLD!  They would back up that white van and have a heyday! But then...who would they sell the pizza box to?? HOARDERS! And that my children is the cycle of life....

Carova rental

I have always used a rental agency to take care of my Outer Banks rental home.  This year I decided to save money by renting it out myself.  Our house is accessible by four wheel drive vehicles exclusively because the "roads" are sand.  I have stated that fact along with every other fact about the house and the surrounding area on the rental site I use to advertise our home for seasonal rentals.  The site even provides the owner a template to fill out that includes all of the household items (AKA amenities) that one could possibly want in a rental house. If the prospective renter has any questions they contact me directly.  The reason I am telling you all of this very interesting information is because I want you to understand how amazingly stupid some folks can be when they are asked to read.  I mean, why read when they can e-mail or call the owner to read it for them?  The questions I get about this house would make many folks lose their mind. Instead of going crazy I have chosen to share some of these gems with you.  I swear these are real excerpts from prospective renters...

"Dear Jane, My wife and I would love to rent your house in August.  My wife loves her minivan and wants to drive it to Carova. Will a minivan make it thru the sand?"  No you idiot!  A minivan should never, ever, under any circumstances leave the car lot because once you sit behind the wheel of that family nightmare van you will start tucking your shirts into your waist high belted shorts and start wearing white leather Reeboks. Does your van have the family stick figures in the back window?  No mini vans, dude.  You will need a four wheel drive vehicle and some balls.

"Dear Jane, Gee, I love your house!  I know the rent during July is $2500 a week, but the wife and I have five kids and are on a budget.  Would you consider $800 for the week including taxes and deposit?  Thanks, Bob"  Sure Bob, of course we will because I don't need any more money.   Why would I want to pay my mortgage when I can give you and your brood the family vacation of a lifetime?  Please come get the key in person.  I will have a doctor ready to give you a freakin' vasectomy!

{Big D just asked if this was my blog or were these the answers I actually gave these folks. He knows me so well.  Relax sugar buns, it's the blog.  The real replies were much nicer,,,,wink wink.}

"Dear Jane,  Can I ride my bike in the sand?"  Why the hell are you asking me that question, Lance Armstrong?  Do you have a four wheel drive bike? Sure you can! Can I watch? Be sure to wear you creepy spandex shorts and your helmet!

"Dear Jane,  Is there a place I can go windsurfing?  Thanks, William.
 Dear William, I am going to take this opportunity to tell you that windsurfing is the dorkiest sport you can try besides roller blading with full padding.  If you ever want to get laid please do not go windsurfing. Roller blading is okay if it's 1991 and you're still in middle school. Try fishing.

"Dear Jane, Do you provide blankets and pillows? How about dishes in the kitchen?  Thanks, Barb" Dear Barb, Please bring a Lenox china service for twelve...you can pick the pattern.

"Dear Jane, Since your house is in the 4 wheel drive area, does that mean my car would need to have 4 wheel drive?"  I have no answer for that question....jut imagine crickets chirping as I stare with my mouth open...I swear someone actually asked that question.

"Dear Jane, I have two dogs and the old one likes to get in the hot tub.  Are dogs allowed in the hot tub?"  For the love of god what the hell do you think?  Of course they are!  I love sitting in hot steamy water with an old ass dog!

"Dear Jane, If the water isn't working, can you bring us some?"  Sure, let me rev up the fire truck. Can you please leave a window open?

Damn, I should write an advice column!

Oprah

I saw a dragon fly in my yard who looked just like Oprah Winfrey.  In fact, that bug looked so much like Oprah Winfrey that I googled her to see if she had died...and come back as a dragonfly to deliver a special personal message to me.  Oh sure, you all think that Gayle or Stedman would be the people she visited in her next life as a dragonfly, but maybe Oprah knows how much I admire her and she just flew in to say, "Hi Jane, you are one amazing person, girlfriend!"  I never use the phrase "girlfriend" to another woman as I find that little moniker annoying and overused...especially by middle aged white women who want to relate to black women..."Hey black sister, I am hip and cool....girlfriend...oh no you di'n't!" Unfortunately these black women are way too tolerant and just smile politely and refrain from telling said middle aged white woman to accept the fact that she is white and just talk to black women the same way they talk to every other woman on the planet...in America...

My daughter walked by the garden and said, "Mom, you have to see this dragonfly!"  I walked over and looked at the bug...she had blue-green wings and was the prettiest dragonfly I had ever seen...and then that bug looked me straight in the eyes and nodded her head as if to say, "How are you doin'?" I was shocked! This dragon fly had big beautiful Oprah Winfrey lips that were smiling at us. I know you think I have lost what's left of my mind but I could not stop staring at this bug! She stared right back at me and once again looked at me and nodded her head in greeting and I swear on my sliced lime stash in the pool house 'fridge that she smiled at me with those big beautiful lips!  I whispered, "Oprah?" and the dragonfly winked...okay, now I'm lying but it felt like she winked and  before Ty could get her camera Oprah flew away and we haven't seen her since.  My yard is full of dragonflies doing what dragonflies do...flutter, land and eat mosquitos.  We always look for Oprah Winfrey Dragonfly, but we haven't seen her again. Maybe I should have said, "Hi girlfriend" but I just could not let Oprah think I was a poser.

Beach Etiquette II

If you are visiting a beautiful beach town like mine there are certain rules of beach etiquette one must follow...or the locals will make your stay a living hell....jes sayin'....so here are a few helpful suggestions for all of you tourists who invade...I mean "visit" our beaches every summer...I will have more to come...the summer is young...but right now.............

1. Tents:  My newest pet peeve is tent people at the beach...WTF?  Why do you think that it is necessary to construct a huge tent for a day at the beach?  An umbrella isn't enough shade for you people?  You're at the freakin' beach, the sun is part of the package. If you need that much shade go to the beach at night! And who is that person all bundled up in bed sheets wearing a straw hat and huge sunglasses hovering in the back of that tent?  Does that lady come with the tent in a bag with the extra rope and stakes?  I swear she is in every tent on the beach!  "This is your new beach tent from Sam's Club, and this is Aunt Helen at no extra charge! No, sorry you have to take her she comes with the tent wearing this lovely caftan sitting in this old-ass garden chair."

You cannot set up the tent on Saturday and keep it up until the following Friday.   Not cool....First come first serve, tent freaks!  You cannot mark your territory for the week (with urine or a tent) and show up when you feel like it.  You may walk out there on Sunday and find that the tent has been moved....far, far, away during the night...by...someone...

B. Space: Why do you feel the need to erect that stupid tent or chairs or whatever so close to me and mine that when your grandma  passes out refreshments she offers me a Capri Sun? Seriously!?  When you see people with their chairs, etc sitting on the beach MOVE AWAY FROM THEM!  Drag your crap the hell away from other people on the beach!  Are you the same people who sit right in front of me in an almost empty movie theater?  Yeah, I thought so...This is not New Jersey...we have plenty of beautiful free space on our beaches...use it! I should not be able to hear your cousin Joey whine because you make him wear water shoes ...who the heck invented those things?  If you want to guarantee that your child will never get laid until he marries his second cousin at age 45, put him in water shoes! TWO WORDS>>.FLIP FLOPS!    Move away and keep walking until I can no longer smell your Coppertone SPF110 nuclear resistant sunscreen that never quite rubs into your skin all the way so you end up looking like a Kabuki dancer throwing a frisbee! Learn where your beach bubble is and stay in it!

13. Ocean ignorance:  Lake swimmers...this is not Lake Winokfhehbjhlblic...this is the powerful Atlantic Ocean!  There is a tide that often rips, there are waves that arrive in sets, and once in a while you need to make sure your children are in front of YOU and not ME.  Don't give the little darlings a body board and then turn your back on them.  Bonus info....that is not a shark, it is a bottle nosed dolphin so quit screaming.

AA. Who the hell told the lifeguards last weekend that their uncle went for a swim and never came back and had them call the entire VB rescue team, the Coast guard from Elizabeth City, helicopters, boats, divers and News Channel 10 to look for the moron without following the flare line to the restaurant where he was happily sipping a beer and eating nachos???  He just got sick of his family after an entire 48 hours of togetherness and snuck off to sit in the bar alone, feeling right proud of his ingenuity.  It must have been embarrassing for all involved when that same dude wandered out of the restaurant into the parking lot and asked the EMS workers what all the fuss was about.  The rescue folks told the guy that some idiot tourist from Ohio was missing in the water.  The guy said, "Huh, I'm an idiot tourist from Ohio"...well, you can guess what happened next.  I don't know about the rest of you but I think that family of idiots should have to reimburse the taxpayers of this fair city for just being stupid!  Don't report a drowning until you at least text them first to see if they are doing tequila shots,  ok?

The Duggars

Yep....the Duggars...okay, not the ultra Christian nutbags who are on TV wearing prairie dresses and believing in creationism...I'm talking about the nutbag huge family who spent their vacation down the street from my house.  My friends and family were at the beach on the 4th of July doing what normal people do at the beach...surfing, sunning, reading and talking.  We took what most locals take to the beach; beach chairs, sand toys (in our case shovels, buckets, and dinosaurs...yes, dinosaurs) towels, sunscreen, two surfboards, and a cooler full of "water" and snacks. We hauled it all down in our overpriced but very necessary beach cart with balloon tires.  That is what locals with kids take to the beach.  Locals who are single take a chair OR a surfboard and maybe a towel...oh, and girls take their phone so they can text their BFFs and tell them how lame it is to live here and why do these stupid tourists have to show up and ruin their day...blah, blah, OMG, blah.

The "Duggars" arrived...and arrived...and arrived in pre-determined groups like an ectomorphic Stepford family.  I could picture their 5AM meetings with the Alpha Duggar assigning duties from his ipad..."BIF! you take the teen boys and do your 10 mile run, Muffy! take the womenfolk and assemble a nutritious lunch, Tad! we are going to do our 30 mile bike ride, 100 push-ups and then stake our camp near the beach access. Grandpa! Put that oxygen tank away and breathe on your own, you're weak! Everyone hold hands and promise not to eat anything containing fat, refined sugar, or artificial coloring....or fun....(YES SENSEI!) BREAK!"

First came the Dads carrying beach chairs, footballs, umbrellas and towels.  One of the Dads was wearing a red skin tight rash guard which I assumed designated him as the alpha.  The next brigade was the teenaged boys who brought what most teenaged boys bring...nothing, but they jumped when the elders gave them orders to set up the umbrellas, etc.  Next came the girls in their colorful bikinis on their perfect teenaged bodies with their ipods and their chairs and their attitudes and finally the moms wearing age appropriate tankinis and straw hats with their coolers and the toddlers and their martyred resentment accompanied by their disdain for anyone who wasn't "them." We watched, simultaneously fascinated at the family dynamic, and annoyed that they needed to set up their circus so close to us.  They didn't even notice anyone but "them" was even on the beach!  They proceeded to set up a huge tent (way too close to "us") and all of the males seemed to know their roles in this activity.  In fact,  they all seemed to know their roles in all the family activities and it was so perfect that we could not turn away. We watched as they gathered for family posed pictures of them jumping and racing into the ocean on command and forming circles for "talks." Everything was a competition.

 They didn't walk down the beach, they sprinted...with enthusiasm and the arrogance of winning athletes.  They totally ignored everyone else on the beach as they went about their regimented routine.    The moms wore straw hats and prepared drinks and the lemons.  THE LEMONS!  Every day that week a designated mom would show up in the afternoon with a bucket of (what we discovered after much staring and debating) were lemons.  The bucket was like a clown car for lemons.  They just kept pulling out more lemons!  We saw a mom, who's assigned job that day was to prepare the sacred fruit of the ectomorph, and all she did was cut off the top of the lemon and shove in a short straw.  That's it...a lemon with a straw and they all gathered around like that was the family crack pipe, THE LEMONS ARE HERE!!!!! All fifty of the Duggars would stop what they were doing, and believe me they were all "doing"....tossing footballs, paddle ball, swimming (not just playing in the water, they were swimming and timing it and swimming in designated groups according to age and gender) and frantically building a sandcastle worthy of Will and Kate.  They would all suddenly stop and run to the LEMONS!  It was unbelievable!    I even lost my place in the book I was reading. It was all so rehearsed and perfect...until the non-Stepford woman showed up and ruined their family perfection.  There she was...wearing a black plus sized bathing suit.  She had a hard time making it down the dunes to the beach and I instantly felt for her.  Imagine being a member of that health nut ectomorphic athletic family when you love you some hostess ho-hos?  That poor woman!  She must have married....yep, there he was....the unattractive Duggar.  He wasn't tan, he wasn't perfect, but he was still skinny like the rest of them and he had him a big girl!  No bony woman for that Duggar rebel!  They all gave sideways glances as Big Girl Duggar arrived...late and lemon-less.  I wanted to run to her, give a hug and let her sit with us!  "Come on over here, girlfriend!  We'll give you some chips and a pack o' cookies and a laugh or two! No one is racing or playing nerdy paddle ball!  We won't make you get your picture taken with those skinny bitches and here is a Corona with lime!  It's so much better than a lemon with a straw!

outside

Why is it that I have a beautiful state of the art stainless steel granite covered six burner gas cooktop rockin', double oven havin', warming drawer containing kitchen, complete with butler's pantry with extra full sized fridge, etc, etc....and I prefer cooking in my outdoor cabana kitchen with the one burner on the greasy grill and the beat up outdoor refrigerator full of beer, expired bbq sauce, sandy half used bars of surfboard wax and paper plates...yes, we put paper plates in the fridge because raccoons love our trashcans...I know that makes no sense, but it isn't worth the argument with D so we all just keep putting paper product next to the Budweiser and he stays happy.
  I own my dream house that I designed and Big D built for me, but as soon as the weather breaks I gravitate to the pool area and the outdoor kitchen!  Our house is airy and gorgeous and I love it, but I would spend every waking hour outside if I could.  Winter is over and I missed spring and summer last year and I may never go indoors again!  I love the breeze blowing and the sandy footprints that never get swept up and the smell of limes as I squeeze them into my Corona while I am chopping up tomatoes for guacamole. I love wearing shorts and old t-shirts and cheap flip flops.   I love to see the grandperfects little bathing suits hanging on the nozzle of the outdoor shower, and the wax covered surfboard leaning against the deck.  I love that we painted the ceiling of this cabana blue and covered the walls with kitschy beach art and I totally love the towels hanging on the backs of all the deck chairs.  It makes me smile to see our 14 year old lab, Marley swimming across the pool forgetting that she has arthritis.  The flowers are blooming and the sea breeze is kickin' and I wonder how in the world anyone would live anywhere else.  Spring is turning into summer here at the beach and the tourists are warming up their minivans so we need to enjoy the beauty while it's still ours to enjoy.   Yup, I think I'll stay outside just a little longer tonight and finish reading that book I put away last summer....do I hear waves?  I heard there were waves tonight.

Morning

Tomorrow is Mother's day and I am so relieved that no one will dare wake me up at dawn to eat breakfast in bed.  I HATE breakfast in bed.  Food and hot coffee balancing on a tray ready to spill on my bed and me with cotton mouth and bleary eyes  having to eat before I can even stand the smell of food.  No fun at all.
I am married to a morning person.  Big D is awake before dawn even on days he doesn't have to go to work.  I look forward to days off as days I can turn off that annoying alarm and sleeeeep! It amazes me that this species of humans known as "morning people" have not been pummeled to death by those of us who like wake up at a ...leisurely pace.  No, I do not want breakfast in bed....EVER!   I want to get up, take a nice long shower, shave my legs (yes, I shave my legs and pits (TMI?) every freakin' day!) blow dry my hair, put in my contact lenses and walk to the kitchen feelin' fresh and clean...then I want to drink at least one cup of Duncan Donuts coffee before I even think about eating anything.  I just can't help it (Lady Gaga) I was born this way!
My dad is not a morning person, but unfortunately for Dad, my mom is! She has no idea why anyone would want to sleep past 7am!  My dad spent his life getting up at 5:30 and driving a long commute to work and he is now retired and he is 84 years old and he wants to sleep in, okay?  It's not a crime to sleep in the morning!  My mom has no idea what it feels like to wake up feeling groggy and unable to speak. She is like Big D and is wide awake and cheerful in the morning and is ready to start the day before my dad and I can even read the clock.  My daughter inherited my sleep patterns and of course, she married a morning person.  He jumps out of bed before dawn to go surfing, go to work, or just to cook breakfast for my daughter who is in no shape to eat it before her cup of Duncan Donuts coffee!

After we were married Big D was so shocked that I did not want to wake up with him at 4:30 (AM!!!!!) and make his breakfast and hold an intelligent conversation. He didn't expect me to do it, he just thought that naturally I would want the pleasure of his company before sunrise.  Hell to the nO!  I cannot even function until after my shower!  I can't talk, I can't think, and I definitely can't be trusted around a stove. He tried to ask me  questions before sunrise and I mumbled an answer and it took him a while, but oddly enough he can now interpret my morning speak.  I can mumble that it's trash day and he can decipher the root words, the rhythm of the sentence and figure out the rest.  It's like Lassie barking to get Timmy's parents when he was stuck in the well... only with trash cans.
There is no way I will ever be functioning any time before 6 and that does not make me a bad person, a lazy person, or a bitchy person...okay, I am a bitchy person but that has nothing to do with my sleep patterns. ( In the words of Tina fey, "Yeah, I'm a bitch.  bitches get stuff done!") I just don't like to get out of bed until I am fully awake...and that takes at least 3 snooze hits and the fear of not having time to blow dry!
So, morning people.... You are not intellectually superior...You are not better, and you are definitely not more fun than we are...you are just awake...too f-ing early!